Hold Fast

He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High

will abide in the shadow of the Almighty.

I will say to the Lord, "My refuge and my fortress,

my God, in whom I trust.

...

Because he holds fast to Me in love, I will deliver him;

I will protect him, because he knows My name.

When he calls to Me, I will answer him;

I will be with him in trouble;

I will rescue him and honor him.

Psalm 91

Lord, You have been our dwelling place in all generations.

...

So teach us to number our days

that we may get a heart of wisdom.

...

Satisfy us in the morning with Your steadfast love,

that we may rejoice and be glad all our days.

Psalm 90

The weekend was full and amazing.  A new car, ballet performances, Spring break, friends, sisters and lunches...  It is so easy for my weak, feeble mind to become distracted from the Lord in the midst of excitement and the whirlwind of busy.

But it is in the shelter of the Most High that I choose to dwell, in His presence.  Lord, You have been my dwelling place, and I choose to continue to abide with You.  You hold me fast in love, and I trust You to deliver me.  I have watched You deliver me and my loved ones from myriads of troubles.  But even if You didn't, even if someday in Your wisdom You choose to allow serious trouble to befall me, I will continue to trust You.  I will hold fast to You in love in good times and in bad because it is You that I want, more than anything this world offers.

Teach me to number my days.  When life begins to spin fast and I lose my bearings for a time, bring me back to center.  Satisfy me in the morning with your steadfast love.  And I will hold fast to You.

Crushed with Blessing

O give thanks to the Lord; call upon His name;
make known His deeds among the peoples!
Sing to Him, sing praises to Him;
tell of all His wondrous works!

Glory in His holy name;
let the hearts of those who seek the Lord rejoice!
Seek the Lord and His strength;
seek His presence continually!
Remember the wondrous works that He has done,
His miracles, and the judgments He uttered,
O offspring of Abraham, His servant,
children of Jacob, His chosen ones!

Psalm 105:1-6

Do you ever feel just crushed with blessing?  I don't even know what to do with myself.  God has been so good to me.  We bought a Grand Cherokee yesterday for me.  T won't take it for himself.

I have been perfectly content in my Caravan, and I would have been content to drive it into the ground.  

I will remember all Your wondrous works and Your loving care for me, Lord.  You give me what I don't even need, and I praise You.

This, on top of giving R the help he's needed, rescuing L from the dangerous path she was on, allowing T's job to continue to be steady.  And our marriage is solid.  

We found out the other day that one of our oldest couple friends is getting divorced.  Breaks our hearts.  Makes me (and I'm assuming T too) remember the stormy seas and arid deserts our marriage has come through, and it breaks our hearts, because we know, we know, it is worth it to hang on during those tough times.  God has blessed us beyond what my feeble mind can even comprehend.

Bless the Lord, O my soul!

Bless the Lord, O my soul,

and all that is within me,

bless His holy name!

Bless the Lord, O my soul,

and forget not all His benefits, 

who forgives all your iniquity, 

who heals all your diseases,

who redeems your life from the pit,

who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy

who satisfies you with good

so that your youth is renewed life the eagle's.

Psalm 103:1-5

Oh, oh, oh.  Read my Happy Moments blog if you want to know the wonderful thing God did today.  How is it I get afraid and doubt Him?  My heart twists with fear and imagines the worst.  I pray, but I also question how, how even He could remedy the situation.  But He is so much greater than my feeble imagination can even begin to conjure.  He always has all the answers.  When will I learn to relax in His good care?

My consternation motivates me to pray, to entreat Him desperately though.  That is a good thing. 

God rescued L from danger today, danger she wouldn't believe and T and I didn't like to believe.  Experience told us otherwise though, so we were afraid.  Sadly, it appears we were right.  

My joy is tempered by sadness for the boy though.  I will pray for him, that God would get hold of his heart and create in him a desire for God.

Feast on the Bread of Life

 Truly, truly, I say to you, it was not Moses who gave you the bread from heaven, but My Father gives you the true bread form heaven.  For the bread of God is He who comes down from heaven and gives life to the world.  They said to Him, "Sir, give us this bread always."  

Jesus said to them, "I am the bread of life; whoever comes to Me shall not hunger, and whoever believes in Me shall never thirst.  But I said to you that you have seen me and yet do not believe. 


I am the bread that came down from heaven. 

I am the bread of life.  Your fathers ate the manna in the wilderness, and they died.  This is the bread that comes down from heaven, so that one may eat of it and not die.  I am the living bread that came down form heaven.  If anyone eats of this bread, he will live forever.  And the bread that I will give for the life of the world is My flesh.


Truly, truly I say to you, unless you eat the flesh of the Son of Man and drink His blood, you have no life in you.  Whoever feeds on my flesh and drinks My blood has eternal life, and I will raise him up on the last day.  For My flesh is true food, and My blood is true drink.  Whoever feeds on My flesh and drinks My blood abides in Me, and I in him.  As the living Father sent Me, and I live because of the Father, so whoever feeds on Me, he also will live because of Me.  This is the bread that came down from heaven, not as the fathers ate and died.  Whoever feeds on this bread will live forever.


John 6

And this is the judgment: the light has come into the world, and people loved the darkness rather than the light because their deeds were evil.  John 3:19

Abide in Me, and I in you.  John 15:4

Why do I resist abiding in Him?  Is it purely forgetfulness?  Sometimes, but sometimes isn't it something more?  As Jan says, do I love the darkness?  Sometimes. I have to admit what I would never display to the world around me: sometimes I do love the darkness.  The recesses of my heart sometimes nurse evil thoughts that I am not always willing to forsake.  And in those moments, I am not abiding in Him, and I am not feeding on the bread of life, on Him. 

Am I ready to forsake the evil in my heart?  I feel like a character in a Bible story:  Saul chooses to pursue David, David takes Bathsheba, David kills Uriah, the rich young ruler chooses his wealth over Jesus, the Israelites build the golden calf, Peter denies Jesus.  Whenever I read these my heart screams, "You big dummies!!!  Do the right thing!!!"

But here I am.  I am at a crossroads.  Which am I going to choose?  Do I want to feast on the bread of life, to abide in Him?

Nothing should be more real to me than Christ in me.  I get that.  I understand it.  But times come in the day when I am not willing to live it and I turn back to my fleshly nature.  I love the darkness more than the light, and I turn back.

O Lord, help me to not turn back.  Teach me to feast on the bread of life all day every day, to abide in You continually.  You are my life, my reality: You in me and I in You.  Nothing should be more real to me than that.

Self-deception

This is the judgment, that the Light has come into the world, and men loved the darkness rather than the Light, for their deeds were evil.   John 3:19

See to it that no one takes you captive by philosophy and empty deceit, according to human tradition, according to the elemental spirits of the world, and not according to Christ.  For in Him the whole fullness of deity dwells bodily, and you have been filled in Him, who is the head of all rule and authority.  In Him also you were circumcised with a circumcision make without hands, by putting off the body of the flesh, by the circumcision of Christ, having been buried with Him in baptism, in which you  were also raised with Him through faith in the powerful working of God, who raised Him from the dead.   Colossians 2:8-12

Jan's teaching today in CBS was awesome to the point of being scary.  I feel like I have so much to say that I only barely grasp, this post may be a little incoherent.  I'm going to give it the old college try in the few minutes I have tonight though because it will help me gather my own thoughts.  Mostly I think I'll write out my scribbles from this morning's lecture. 

Jan started out by talking about how Paul was not content just to see that the Colossians were saved.  He wanted them to be solid and mature in their faith, and involves eradicating self-deception in their faith.

Here in America we tend to get saved, and then immediately become distracted with church-y arguments, theological debates about non-essentials, such as when the rapture will occur, or how to do communion or the best Bible translations.  This, rather than experiencing a crucifixion of our heart, a circumcision of our heart.  Without this crucifixion we fall into self-deception.  Who is winning the battle for our heart?  Is it the old man or the new man?  Is it the Gospel or religion?  Many self-deceptions are couched in God-words and Jesus-sentiment that take our minds off God-truth.

[A little aside here:  she began the whole lecture by saying that as a teenager she appeared to be Godly and righteous.  She had stellar grades, was involved in church and spoke often at Girl Scout gatherings.  She appeared to be what every mother wants her child to be.  But this outward appearance masked an inward rebellion against God.  Specifically, she was in love with a "bad boy" from the other side of town, and she had reformulated Christianity in her own mind such that this boy and her love for this boy were all good in God's sight.  She was steeped in self-deception.  So relevant to the discussion below, but it also gave my heart hope that my silly L, so in love with her "bad boy," could also turn around and be as solid in her walk with the Lord as Jan is!]

We have been made complete in Christ.  We have access to God's fullness now.  Jesus is the Head, and He has rule and authority over us.  The Gospel is Christ in us, with His rule and authority over our lives.  Are we experiencing that Gospel?  The Gospel of Christ's in us with His rule and authority?  Or are we going the way of sappy religiosity (my words, not Jan's) and self-deception?

The Gospel becomes a reality through death: death of the old nature.  And that death is like the removal of the foreskin in circumcision, but this is a spiritual circumcision, a circumcision of the heart.  Physical circumcision is an illustration of the removal of what is unnecessary.  Another illustration of the death of the old man is baptism: down into the death of the old life, and up into new life in Christ.

God obliterated the charges against the old man by obliterating the old man altogether.  We are a new creation.  Rebirth.  New life.  His life in us.

The death of the old man should take with it the deceptions of Satan, but we love our darkness!  We love those deceptions!  Our opinions!  In the darkness we do not have to die!  We can hold on to our opinions, our control.  In the end, it's all about holding onto that control, our control over ourselves rather than giving control and authority over to Him.

I hope I'm not being too cryptic here even to understand.  I have literally been typing out my notes from lecture.  Jan then talked about how all the rituals in the Old Testament were a shadow of what was to come.  For example -- just one example -- the Sabbath in which one day per week is set aside for rest.  This is a shadow of what we have now, which is continual rest in Jesus!  Her point was, why hold on to the shadow now that we have the substance!??  Jesus has come, and He is our substance.  We have Him, so we no longer need those things that remind us of the possibility of Him.  We have the fullness of Him!  We no longer need the shadow!

So what fights deception?  Knowing the substance!  She said there are so many ways to fall into deception, but they all come from the same source:  not knowing the substance, not knowing Jesus, not living in Him fully.

This world is not our home; it is not our reality.  Our reality is in Christ.  Here we are only vessels for the King to live in and through us for a time, but our ultimate reality is in Christ.

How easily we deceive ourselves.  It is always a control issue; always, "I want to live and not to die."  There is a fear of submitting wholly to Him.  But if we are not in Him and submitted to His authority, we are adrift in a sea of self-deception.  How willing are we to die to self?

I love that: If we are not in Him and submitted to His authority, we are adrift in a sea of self-deception.

And it goes along so beautifully with what she said last week that struck me: There should be nothing more real to me than the reality of Christ in me.

Circumcise Your Heart

And now, Israel, what does the Lord your God require of you, but to fear the Lord your God, to walk in all His ways, to love Him, to serve the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul, and to keep the commandments and statures of the Lord, which I am commanding you today for your good?  Behold, to the Lord your God belong heaven and the heaven of heavens, the earth with all that is in it.  Yet the Lord set His heart in love on your fathers and chose their offspring after them, you above all peoples, as you are this day.  Circumcise therefore the foreskin of your heart, and be no longer stubborn.  For the Lord your God is God of gods and Lord of lords, the great, the mighty and the awesome God, who is not partial and takes no bribe.  Deuteronomy 10:12-17

 I was struck by this passage as I did my CBS Bible study today.  We read it for the purpose of comparing it to Genesis 17:1-14, where God makes a covenant with Abram, changes his name to Abraham, and commands him to circumcise himself and all the people. The question wanted us to notice how in the Genesis passage the circumcision was a sign of the covenant, but in Deuteronomy (and in Jeremiah 4:3-4) God refers to a circumcision of the heart.  It is heart worship that He is looking for.

I loved our CBS teaching last week, and this passage reminded me of one thing our teaching leader, Jan, said: "There should be nothing more real to me than the reality of Christ in me."  That has stuck with me all week, and I think that is what God means when He says to circumcise the foreskin of our hearts, that nothing is more real to me, nothing more important, than Christ in me.

I may have mentioned before that Jan has a way of turning standard Christian thought and verbiage on its head, pointing out how it isn't really true at all.  I love that about her.   One thing she said last week was that God does not clean up our sin.  The Christian life is not about putting away our sin, our old sin nature.  That is Old Testament thinking.  He never intended to fix us up to make us presentable to Himself.  He always intended that the old man be done away with completely, that the old man be crucified and that we live a new life in Christ.

It was never our evil deeds that separated us from God as much as our evil nature that caused us to do those evil deeds.  Jesus' death was not as much about wiping the bad deeds away as much as calling us into His crucifixion with Him.  He doesn't fix us up; He calls us into His death and resurrection.  We live through Him because we live in Him and we walk in Him, moment by moment.

We are Christ's body; as Jesus was God's communication to us, now we are God's communication to mankind.  We are God's letter.  In line with this, Jan has talked before about how we are the church as we walk in His light, as we walk in Him, in the new life He gives us.  The church is certainly not a building, but it is also not simply a collection of people who come together on Sunday and put on VBS's and have potluck dinners.  We are the church as we walk in Christ, not as we gather to sing hymns and teach Sunday school.

I wonder if all this is what God means by circumcising the foreskin of our hearts.

Feed the Beast!

For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart.  And no creature is hidden from His sight, but all are naked and exposed to the eyes of Him to whom we must give account.   Hebrews 4:12-13

L is so in love, and I am so afraid for her.  I am so afraid I can hardly even pray.  I find myself just praying, Oh Lord, help her, O please help her, help her help her.  I'm so afraid for her.  I'm afraid, I'm afraid, I'm afraid.

She is the only one of our children who apparently is not embracing our ideas about dating being serious business, business that really should be avoided until one is ready to think about marriage.  She has received a little attention from a boy she likes, and she is pursuing him.  Tears have been flowing in torrents around here.  Accusations are flying.  It's been terrible.  And I don't know what to do for her.

What is most galling is that I am supposed to be a willing participant in this pursuit.  That's what she's asking me to do.  Suddenly she's obsessed with spending time at this girlfriend's house (whose brother she is in love with), and I'm supposed to do all the driving to get her there.  No matter what day, what hour, or what else needs to be done, I am supposed to cooperate fully in getting her to M's house.

And there is no talking rationally to her.  She immediately gets mad and says, "I'm not stupid, Mom!" as soon as I broach the topic of wisdom in this area.  "I have a good head on my shoulders!"  And yet she is proving herself stupid by pursuing him!  No rational thought interferes with the free reign of emotion in her world.  But she's not stupid!

I am creating rebellion in her by trying to squelch this though.  I think I have to let her go make mistakes.  It's not like she's on the verge of immorality; it's only a flirty little friendship at this point.  But how do you stop a train once it's rolling?  Better not to let the train roll at all, but I don't think I have that option right now.

Thankfully, I don't think she likes discord with me any more than I like it with her.  So after last night's storms I am hopeful she'll want to talk and find peace with each other today.  After a night of fitful praying on my part, I think Hebrews 4 contains the wisdom I need to convey to her.  If she is going to pursue, maybe I can strike a deal with her that somehow she is at least feeding herself the Word every day.  The Word has power, where I obviously do not.  And, as v. 13 points out, the nakedness of her soul is not hidden from God.  He knows her, knows her motives, and knows how to speak to her.

And also, I think God's wisdom in this is that His love for her is the antidote for her wanting a boy's attention.  If she could know and believe His love for her, that would go a long way toward loosening the grip any boy will have on her heart, especially before the right time.  I can talk wisdom until I'm blue in the face, but the beast needs to be fed if it's going to keep quiet.  God's love will feed that beast better than any boy.

Oh Father.  You are love.  And You do come to me.  I praise You that You are always near and You are full of wisdom.  You help me in my time of need.  Thank You.

Salt of the Earth

Blessed are the merciful, for they shall receive mercy.
Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God.

You are the salt of the earth, but if salt has lost its taste, how shall its saltiness be restored?  It is no longer good for anything except to be thrown out and trampled under people's feet.

You are the light of the world.  A city set on a hill cannot be hidden.  Nor do people light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on a stand, and it gives light to all in the house.  In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven.  Matthew 5:7-8, 13-16

Was I very merciful the other day with my daughter's old whopper-telling friend?  (See Happy Moments for the full low-down on my nastiness.)  Even with her entire family?  Hmmm. 

But God has called me to be the salt of the earth.  The light of the world.  A city on a hill to represent Him.  He has called me to see her with the compassion that He feels when He sees her.  It doesn't take a Ph.D. to see that she's hungry for attention and approbation.  Sadness in some form, whether it's loneliness or insecurity or something else, propels the lies.  My role is love and compassion and good attention.  God will heal her of the sin.

Be gone, Satan!

And the tempter came and said to Him, "If You are the Son of God, command these stones to become loaves of bread."  But He answered, "It is written,  'Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that comes from the mouth of God.'"

Then Jesus said to him, "Be gone, Satan!  For it is written, 'You shall worship the Lord your God and Him only shall you serve.'"  Then the devil left Him, and behold, angels came and were ministering to Him.    Matthew 4:3-4, 10-11

I would have rationalized.  I would have said, Well, I am hungry, and eventually I do have to eat.  After all, the verse says man shall not live on bread alone, not that man shall not eat bread at all.  And I do need to eat, so why not take care of matters now?  Very expedient of me.

But Jesus said, "Be gone, Satan!"  And the devil left Him, and angels came and ministered to Him instead.  Through the angels, God gave Him what He needed.  Way better than taking it for Himself through the ploys of Satan.

Love Letter

Therefore, as you received Christ Jesus the Lord, so walk in Him, rooted and built up in Him and established in the faith, just as you were taught, abounding in thanksgiving.  Colossians 2:6-7

This verse came up in our Bible study last week.  The discussion was about the surprise that Paul would say this in admonishment to new believers to be firm in their faith.  Walk in Him just as you received Him, freely.  Freely.  Wow.

I know as a new believer I wanted rules.  The ends of the epistles were my favorite parts because they gave me clear instructions.  Do this.  Do not do this.  The grander, more spiritual aspects of who God is and who Jesus is were difficult to understand, but I understood Be kind, Be patient, Bear with one another, Read the Word. But Paul is telling the Colossians just to walk in Him freely.  Be established in the faith, be rooted and built up in Him, abound in thanksgiving, and walk freely.

It makes me wonder if somehow spiritually we short circuit our ability to walk as a new creation when we try to exercise fleshly control over our actions in order to clean up the old man, if somehow that prevents the glory of the new man from shining forth.

For example, yesterday I ate appropriately until, as usual, about 5:00.  Then I got a Frosty and a Diet Coke from Wendy's and I came home to an empty house.  No one would be home for dinner until R was home from baseball, and he was the only one to really cook for, so I was sort of at loose ends.  There was plenty of work to do, but I wasn't sure I wanted to start a new project.  (In fact, I was sure I didn't want to start a new project.)  What to do?  Nibble.  Still at loose ends, so nibble some more.  You get the idea.

So am I going to fix this bad habit of mine by imposing rules on myself?  I haven't been very successful at that so far.  Or, and this is a radical new idea, maybe it will take care of itself if I forget about it and focus instead on abiding in Christ.  Just live in the new man.  Walk with Him, breathe with Him, speak with Him, listen to Him.  And when I fall away, like last night and my little food fest, come right back.  That's all.  Forget what I ate or didn't eat -- just jump right back into sweet fellowship with Him.  Because I suspect He doesn't care what I weigh, only that I've broken fellowship.  Maybe that's what Paul is telling the Colossians.

On a different note, T said something today that made me sad.  I don't talk to T about my blogs because he's called them stupid in the past.  (Actually, he has called it stupid.  He doesn't know I have two blogs now.)  And I've been careful to only write in them when he's not around for the same reason.  But this morning I was feeling a little behind, so I kept typing even after he came downstairs.  I knew the clickity-clack of the keys was annoying to him because he was trying to read at the same table.  He didn't say anything about me stopping, but he did insist on knowing what I was doing (although he knew).

Later he referred to my blogging as writing love letters to myself.   =(   Maybe it is.

                                   

                             

Abide

I am the true vine, and My Father is the vine dresser.  Every branch of Mine that does not bear fruit He takes away, and every branch that does bear fruit he prunes, that it may bear more fruit.  Already you are clean because of the word that I have spoken to you.  Abide in Me, and I in you.  As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me.  I am the vine; you are the branches.  Whoever abides in Me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from Me you can do nothing. 

By this is My Father glorified, that you bear much fruit and so prove to be My disciples.  As the Father has loved Me, so have I loved you.  Abide in My love.  If you keep My commandments, you will abide in My love, just as I have kept My Father's commandments and abide in His love.   John 15:1-5, 8-10

I posted last night what impressed me in Jan's talk about experiencing Jesus, that the purpose of the Word is to communicate Jesus, and the purpose of Jesus is to communicate the Father's love.  The Word should never be revered for itself, and if we're reading it without allowing it to penetrate our hearts and give us the full benefit of the experience of Jesus Himself, we are completely missing the point.  The Word is holy only because it communicates Jesus, and He is holy.  Am I right? 

But you know, I have to admit that blogging every day about a new passage of Scripture is pushing me a bit.  I drove R to school this morning with Small Dog on my mind, feeling a little bit of unwelcome  pressure.  I'm not used to having significant encounters with God every day, and I felt a bit resistant to it.  As I thought about why, I realized it was because I felt like it was up to me to read the Word until something penetrated my thick heart.  Somehow it was up to me to make something good lodge in my think skull.

As I thought about that this morning, it dawned on me that I had it backward.  I meet with God everyday so He can speak to me.  As I've been committed to this daily post project, God has been so faithful to speak to me, no matter how few minutes I have.  That is what has struck me.  As I've encountered difficulties with L and her schoolwork, or R and his ADD, every day God has been so kind and faithful to lead me to exactly the passage that will soothe the rough seas in my heart, reminding me of His perspective, His protection, His sovereignty, His love.  I haven't opened my Bible to go rummage up the verses I knew I wanted to hear that day.  He has brought them to me.  I'm telling you, I don't know if I can recommend this as a plan, but on many days I've simply opened the Word and BAM, there is the passage right in front of my eyes that speaks to the very moment.  That is God speaking to me, not me looking through the Word for the passage that tells me what I want to hear in order to validate my own fat self.

Jan said yesterday, "You can't walk in yesterday's light."  Experience Jesus always.  I was going to say "daily," but it's more than daily.  Experience Jesus constantly.  Abide in Him.

This notion of abiding in Christ has been a stumbling block for me in the past.  I have wanted Him, wanted to experience Him more fully, that abiding.  I have wanted it desperately, and it seemed to elude me.  I felt like it eluded me.  I eventually gave up on it altogether and told myself that the fuller, maybe more emotional experience of Jesus is not something He has granted to everyone.  I will be content to wait until I am with Him in heaven, and until then I will not complain.  I will just do my best to obey Him.

But maybe I was looking in the wrong place for Him.  Without admitting it even to myself, maybe the emotional experience is all I was looking for.  That's the place that feels closed off.

Well, I can't explain all that -- that falls into the category of "things too difficult for me" (Psalm 131:1).  But I do know that this commitment to blog every day -- which, by the way, has begun to border on the obsessive-compulsive! -- has brought me closer to abiding in Him than I have been before.  I have at various times been committed to reading the Word every day.  But blogging requires having something to say about what I've read.  It requires more than just reading -- it requires a daily encounter with God.  And I think what I am discovering in doing this is that my intimacy with Him is limited only by my willingness, not His.

So today, and again I cannot recommend this as a regular plan, but today I flipped open my Bible and BAM, there is John 14 and 15.  Is that or is that not completely relevant to what struck my heart about Jan's talk yesterday?  Abide in Me.  Experience Me.

O Lord, I tell You I want to abide in You.  I don't want to read about You but remain ignorant and obtuse and childish about spiritual realities.  I want to know You because I walk and talk with You every day, not because I've spent many years reading and talking about You.  Make me sensitive to Your Spirit. 

I love You, Lord.  Teach me to love You better!

Experience Jesus

He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn of all creation.  For by Him all things were created, in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or rulers or authorities -- all things were created through Him and for Him.  And He is before all things, and in Him all things hold together.  And He is the head fo the body, the church.  He is the beginning, the firstborn from the dead, that in everything He might be preeminent.  For in Him all the fullness of God was pleased to dwell, and through Him to reconcile to Himself all things, whether on earth or in heaven, making peace by the blood of His cross.  Colossians 1:15-20

I love Jan Henderson, our CBS teaching leader.  She has the most amazing mind and the most amazing walk with Christ of anyone I've ever known.  She has a way of taking what I know about Christianity and turning it on its head, and I love that about her.

So today she spoke on Colossians1:15-2:7.  I won't be able to do justice to everything she said, but I'll try to highlight a few points she made that especially struck me.

She began by saying that many people's interest in Christianity wanes when they realize that Christianity is really all about JESUS, not about themselves.  It's all about Him, not about what He does for us or what we get from the bargain.  What we get from the bargain is significant!  But we are not the point.  He is the point.

But she went on to talk about how hard it is to communicate spiritual realities with clumsy words.  But it is not about the Word, or words.  It is only about Jesus.  Jesus is God's communication to us, and the purpose of the Word is that we know Him, not that we know the Word.  In knowing Jesus we experience the fullness of God.  Learning things about Jesus is useless without knowing Jesus Himself.  Do not be so in love with the Word that you miss knowing Jesus, she warned.

She related her experience in Costa Rica just last week.  Apparently she had painful encounters with no fewer than three scorpions, one on her face!  That 5-inch sucker had sneaked its way between her pillow and pillowcase, and made its presence known when she rolled over!  Jan pointed out that no reading about scorpions could compare with the firsthand knowledge she now possessed about them.  =)  And it's the same with Jesus.  No reading about Him can compare with knowing Him, with experiencing Him firsthand.  Words cannot adequately convey spiritual realities.

I'm pooped.  Time for bed.  I am not even sure this thought was complete or coherent, but I wanted to get it down before the night is over.  This discipline of blogging about one verse a day has been a real blessing to me.  Through it God has spoken to me in ways I could never have imagined or expected.

See you tomorrow!

Weak Things of the Earth

For consider your calling, brothers: not many of you were wise according to worldly standards, not many were powerful, not many were of noble birth.  But God chose what is foolish in the world to shame the wise; God chose what is weak in the world to shame the strong; God chose what is low and despised in the world, even things that are not, to bring to nothing things that are, so that no human being might boast in the presence of God.     1Corinthians 26-29

Tomorrow is my CBS Bible study, and true to form, I did the entire weekly lesson this morning.  None of this little bit every day business for me!  Way too sensible.

The lesson always begins with a commentary, and today's commentary was on Colossians 1:1-14.  They began by talking about the word "saint" as it is used in the New Testament.  I must say that that was the most encouraging part of the entire lesson.  It has stuck with me all morning.

Here's a quote:

Character of a Saint (Colossians 1:2)  The phrase "holy man" may bring to mind the image of a man with long hair, sitting in a lotus position in a cave, and saying wise things to pilgrims who come seeking "truth."  But the Bible gives a very different picture.

The Greek word translated holy in the NIV is word also used for saint.  It is hagios and is used 279 times to describe ordinary people in the New Testament.  In classical Greek, hagios indicated a person who caused awe, amazement, respect.  In the adjectival form, it means clean.  In the Greek religion, it was used of the most beautiful and sacred items in a temple -- things not accessible for public use, reserved for the use of the gods.

Therefore, when Paul calls the Colossians holy or saints, he is calling them vessels cleaned and set apart for God's pleasure and personal use. So holy means clean and set apart and faithful means adhering firmly and devotedly to a person or a cause -- in this instance, Christ.

Somehow this just rocked my world this morning.  The idea that I am in God's eyes I am clean and set apart for His personal pleasure and personal use.  That's the part that got me.  It really makes me want to live up to the reality.  Sort of backward, isn't it?  It's already true, but it's also true that I have the opportunity to live up to the reality moment by moment.

Knowing that I am set apart for God's pleasure fills me with joy at the thought of pleasing Him.  Crazy!

But it also makes me laugh that I am so one of the weak and foolish things of the earth.  On earth, in this world, I am absolutely a nobody.  I have all the makings of nothing.  I am not especially pretty, my personality is flatlined, I am overweight, I am smart but way too timid to do anything with it.  And God, in His wisdom, has chosen the weak and foolish to shame the wise and strong.  That would definitely be me.  A pleasant, non-threatening nobody.  And God has set me apart for His personal use and pleasure.

Colossians 1

May you be strengthened with all power, according to His glorious might, for all endurance and patience with joy, giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of the saints in light.  He has delivered us from the domain of darkness and transferred us to the kingdom of His beloved Son, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins.          Colossians 1:11:14

I woke up this morning in an un-good mood.  Not foul, just depressed and inclined to see the dark, hopeless side of life.  I mourned the absence of D, pondered the meaning of his growing up, that we have become obsolete to him now.  I wondered if he would ever have need of us again or if we are now and forever only a burden, a source of guilt to him and a burden for which he has to periodically interrupt his real life to drive two hours to see us for a weekend.

I inwardly fumed at L and R, my unwilling students.  Dragging them through these high school years is exhausting.

Then driving home from dropping L off at dance this afternoon, I thought I was going to fall asleep at the wheel.  I closed my eyes at stoplights, trying to time it so I would open them again in time for the green.  When I got home I had exactly one hour before I had to leave and get her again.  I said hello to R, then went upstairs and collapsed on my bed, dropped off to sleep immediately and woke up 55 minutes later feeling completely renewed.  Happy day!

But those stressful morning hours when I was doing my best to slog through L's schoolwork with her, really nothing more than sleepiness was the root of the trouble, but it reminded me that this work God has given me is not easy and it does require endurance.  L and R are beautiful, gifted individuals, but they are not academically inclined.  It's my job for now to drag them through these necessary academics, no matter how unwilling they are, and it does require patience and endurance.

I was thankful for this verse in Colossians because it reminded me that I can have joy in this work as I do the work God has assigned me with patience and endurance, because He has transferred me from the domain of darkness to the kingdom of His beloved Son.  It is my joy to do the work He has given me even if some days are trying, because someday this will all be over and I will be with Him in His Kingdom.

Robert S

Blessed is the one who considers the poor!
       In the day of trouble the Lord delivers him;
the Lord protects him and keeps him alive;
        he is called blessed in the land;
        you do not give him up to the will of his enemies.
The Lord sustains him on his sickbed;
        in his illness You restore him to full health.
                                         Psalm 41:1-3

It was a joy to sponsor Robert Ssimbwa last night.  And it was a kind of funny experience.  I don't know if it was the Spirit or my own inclinations, but as I was looking through the stack of pictures of kids needing sponsors, none of them struck me until I came to this one.  It was the weirdest feeling, like, This is the one.  Sponsor him.

His father is dead, and his mother makes what money she can selling small items in the local market.  His grandmother is a peasant farmer.  The card says neither of them can afford to keep him.

The man from the organization who spoke last night, Justus, grew up in Uganda and was abandoned by his mother as a baby.  He spoke to us in this beautifully low, breathy voice with a melodic accent but perfect English.  His skin was as black as pitch, and somehow, even though he was a fish out of water here in Suburbia, USA, he seemed perfectly at ease with himself and everyone else.  He was truly an impressive character and inspired trust.

He talked about the culture shock of coming from Africa to the US, of seeing refrigerators stocked with enough food to last a week or even a month, of seeing children with shoes and shoes and more shoes, two cars in every garage. 

And he talked about going back to Africa and having to turn away children for whom he could not find sponsors.  He said the school had grown from 500 children when he first joined the organization to over 2600 children now.  And yet there were still so many children in need.  The sponsorship provides these children with two meals a day, schooling and access to a medical facility on the school site.

So it feels good to sponsor this little Robert.  He's only one; maybe we should've taken five.  But we also support our church's orphanage in Zambia.  And I think I'd rather commit to Robert for the next eight years than take on too many kids and possibly have to drop some.  And it felt like the Holy Spirit's leading that Robert be ours, so I'll go with that.

Justus did leave some questions unanswered.  In particular, while I am excited about helping, he did not address the issue of why there is such pervasive, chronic need over the course of generations in Uganda, with no end in sight.  I don't think in my lifetime, or my parents' lifetime or even in their parents' lifetime, there has ever been a time that the citizens of Uganda have been not in desperate need.  How come?  Is there any hope that Uganda will ever be able to right itself and provide the means for its own citizens to care for their own families.  The world is a much smaller place now.  Is there a reason it is being held back from industrialization? 

The answer doesn't change my desire to help, but I do think if he is going to lay a guilt trip on us wealthy westerners, we at least should be privy to why they as a country cannot seem to help themselves.  I understand that the people, like Robert's family, could never affect change, but the country does have a working government.  What the heck have they been doing for their people all these decades?

I guess that's a question for another day.  The point today is that it is a joy to have the opportunity to help the needy.

More on Last Night

This morning I am still touched to the depths of my soul over God's tender care for my sad heart last night.  It isn't that my collision of heart with L was so nasty or vitriolic.  It's just that it's happening so often.  Even when I walk on eggshells, when I am so careful not to say anything motherly or preachy or protective.  Even when I am so careful to avoid a whisper of admonishment or warning in my words.

It all started with this crush on Niko.  She is imagining all this admonishment and warning in anything I say because she knows he is a bad boy.  So she keeps accusing me of not trusting her.  Well, my trust in her has been shaken a little, not because she has even remotely done anything wrong, but just because of her judgment in allowing her heart to be taken by an openly rebellious kid, rebellious to God even more than his parents.  And it's not like Niko is cute.  He has round chubby cheeks even though he himself is skinny, tiny, pale, rather deep-set eyes, and terrible acne.  So it is not his looks that she's attracted to. 

What it is is that he is not a nerd.  So many homeschooled boys this age are terribly socially awkward, both in the way they carry themselves and in the way they look.  To L, being socially adequate is paramount, and this is the first socially adequate boy who has shown her any attention.  In fact, he might be the only socially adequate boy she knows.

So, my trust in her judgment has been shaken, and my confidence in her naivete and romantic stupidity has been shored up.  This is true.  But I am not preaching to her.  I have talked about my concerns a couple times (more tears), but really, they hardly see each other, so it is not Niko himself that worries me.  I only want to know that L herself has a heart for God's will for her life regarding her future husband and that she will be careful to preserve her heart for that one special man.  I also do not want Hollywood morality to callous her to immorality.

So last night's difficulty began because she had come upstairs the night before when her friend was sleeping over to ask if they could rent the movie Dear John.  Well, I know Dear John is a sappy romance, which is what they wanted, but I also know that in almost every sappy romance Hollywood produces, the couple in question are "coupling" on screen within 20 minutes of knowing each other.  Sex is treated like a need as fundamental as water, even as essential as water.  To the Hollywood crew, morality, self-control and the sanctity of marriage are antiquated notions relegated to the few crazies in the country who still believe in that tripe.  I just don't want that garbage rubbing off on L; I don't want her to become calloused to the offense to God that immorality is.

Turned out On Demand didn't even have Dear John, so it became a non-issue and they rented Leap Year, which is clean and darling.  But she was determined that my issue with Dear John had to do with my not trusting her anymore because of Niko.  Mmmm, no.  Like I said, Niko has shaken my confidence in her good sense, but I would've been worried about Dear John anyway.

But last night's torrent of tears was over this.  That I don't trust her, that I don't believe in her heart for what is good and Godly, I don't know her.  She didn't say this, but I know she is hurt because she thinks that I think she's a bad girl for liking a bad boy.

I keep telling her the opposite.  I tell her I have complete confidence in her good sense.  I know she has a good head on her shoulders, so I am not worried about Niko.  But I also tell her that while I am not worried about Niko himself, the situation has alerted me to her inexperience and naivete.  I only want to warn her that she doesn't know as much as she thinks she does about boys and how their minds work.  And they do not know girls.  Girls think boys think like girls, and boys think girls think like boys.  It can cause catastrophically mixed signals.  That's all.  But I tell her I trust her good judgment.

She doesn't believe me, and you know why?  It's because she knows she's not displaying good judgment right now.  She's is not happy with herself and this flirty thing she has going on with a bad boy.  I am just the fall guy.  Yep.  That's what this is all about, isn't it?  She isn't happy with herself right now.

It's a tough job, being a mom.  Your heart is consumed with your work, and sometimes your work turns around and bites.  Sometimes it spends years biting, doesn't it?  =)

She was telling me last night, and this was before things got ugly, that she wishes I were more I Mrs. S, her friend's mom and my friend.  I like Mrs. S a lot, and she has an admirably close relationship with her daughter, Olivia.  But 1) her daughter is two full years younger than L, only 12, and 2) her daughter draws close to her and agrees with everything she stands for.  I said to L, do you really think Mrs. S and I have different views of things like sex in movies?  Mrs. S and I are completely on the same page with that.  The difference you see is that Olivia embraces her mom's mores without resistance.  Olivia wouldn't want to see a movie her mother disapproved of.  Olivia would disapprove of it along with her mother!

But getting back to God's sweet touch to my heart last night -- after things blew over, we had our heart to heart and were back on even footing with each other, she came back downstairs and we decided to watch Leap Year together since we love it and they didn't really see it the night before.  While we were watching, I opened up my Bible and Small Dog, determined to fulfill my commitment to posting a verse a day, even though I truly didn't have my head in the Word at all, hadn't all day.  I just flipped open the Bible and it landed on Psalm 42.  I read the passage where David is asking his soul, Why are you cast down?  Hope in God, for you shall again praise Him.  Then it talks about God's breakers and waves having gone over him, but God commands His steadfast love.  He has it all under control.

O Lord, You are so good to console me with that passage.  I hadn't even been looking to You for comfort or wisdom until that very moment, and You are so faithful and kind.  You cared for my aching heart.  I praise You and I thank You.  I am steeped in Your love.  Thank You.

His Breakers and His Waves

Why are you cast down, O my soul,
and why are you in turmoil within me?
Hope in God; for I shall again praise him,
my salvation and my God.

My soul is cast down within me;
therefore I remember you
from the land of Jordan and of Hermon,
from Mount Mizar.
Deep calls to deep
at the roar of your waterfalls;
all your breakers and your waves have gone over me.
By day the Lord commands His steadfast love,
and at night His song is with me,
a prayer to the God of my life.
                             Psalm 42:5-8

Well, my soul was not cast down within me and in turmoil until tonight.  Life with a pretty 14 year-old daughter is hard.  It is heart wrenching, tumultuous and ego bruising.  Today was a very fun day.  It was a happy day even.  Until...  I don't even want to go into it.  Partly I can't go into it too much because I don't understand it completely.  What happened to produce the torrent of tears?  I am not sure.  I could repeat the conversation verbatim, but unless you are also a pretty 14 year-old girl, I doubt it would make any more sense to you than it does to me.

Suffice it to say, it has something to do with attention from boys and her mom trying to protect her from what she doesn't understand. 

Anyway, it upsets me to be at odds with her.  Thankfully, the upset lasted less than 30 minutes.  Part of the trouble was exhaustion on her part.  She went directly upstairs to get ready for bed, and then asked me to come up to say good night, by which I knew she wanted to "make up."  Her first words were, "I'm sorry," and we were able to talk about what upset her.  More tears, but they were good tears this time.  Just raw emotion and exhaustion. 

So all's well that ends well, you say?  Oh I don't know.  I have a feeling this is going to go on for awhile.  I can't seem to do or say anything right these days with her.  It's a lost cause.  And every time it does happen, I'll be temporarily devastated.  I should commit this passage to memory, that while I am downcast for a time, I will again praise Him.  When I am downcast, I will remember Him and His steadfast love.  They are His breakers and His waves that are rolling over me, and He is trustworthy.  He commands His steadfast love, and it will be okay.  Just like it was tonight.

Boasting

If I were a reader of blogs, which, selfishly, I am not, but if I were I would be attracted to a post titled "Boasting."  It sounds like it should be all about some womanly drama, some Queen Bee who thinks she's all that and wants to make sure everyone else gets the memo, or, if we're talking moms here, it would be all about some mom who thinks her kid is all that.

Sadly, this is not a reality TV post.  It's about Galatians 6:14, in keeping with my month-long commitment to blog about a verse a day.  Here it is:

But far be it from me to boast except in the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ, by which the world has been crucified to me, and I to the world.

This is a verse that has always left me muddle-brained.  What exactly does it mean to boast in the cross of Christ?  To boast about something would seem to mean that I am proud of it, and that just doesn't seem appropriate.  Can I be proud of what Jesus did for us?  Not really.  I'm grateful for what He did, but actually horrified at what had to happen to Him and that He had to do it at all.  Can I be proud to be a Christian?  Yes, but that's not appropriate either.  My salvation is a gift and has nothing to do with anything I accomplished in the least.  In the absence of any more cogent idea, I have always glossed over this verse figuring Paul meant he had no interest in himself or his old worldly status, but only in his new status as a believer in Jesus.


Well, I was given a better answer today by our CBS teaching leader, Jan Henderson, who is absolutely, completely amazing.  Let me see if I can do her thoughts justice.

She began by pointing out that chapter 6 of Galatians is no bunny trail from the rest of the letter.  He does not end this letter with practical tips for Christian living, as he does in some others.  He is still laser-focused on the problem of the Galatian church being threatened by Judaizers who want to pull some of the new believers into adherence to the Jewish law as a part of their new-found faith in Christ.  These are Gentiles, pagans, who had no history or foundation in the law, no preconceived notions that God demanded certain rituals or that certain ceremonies be followed in order to gain acceptance.  But the Jewish believers wanted to have them believe that in addition to faith in Christ, these believers also needed to be circumcised to be accepted by God.

Jan discussed their probable false motives.  One false motive would have been to avoid persecution themselves.  As it happened, the Roman government allowed Judaism, but no other new religion to be practiced other than paganism.  So to force the new believers to be circumcised would have been easier, I suppose.  And while there is no law against circumcision, Paul is adamant that the new converts not believe that circumcision or any other ritual gains them acceptance before God, that their salvation is only through the death of Christ.

Here comes the good part, the part that has always gone over my head before:  when Paul speaks of boasting in the cross of Christ, he is not referring to the historical event of Jesus' crucifixion.  He is speaking of the spiritual event of his own crucifixion with Christ, the daily separating of light from darkness, flesh from righteousness, good from evil.  He is encouraging them to walk in the Spirit, to allow the Spirit to do His work in their hearts, to continue to cut away the old man, the flesh.  Paul says our lives are to be marked by an internal circumcision, one of the spirit, not the one of the flesh.  He is encouraging them to stay connected to the Head, to manifest the will of the Head, by daily participating in the crucifixion of Christ in their own hearts.  Then they will know peace.  Then they are the true Israel of God.

And now I understand more.  In regard to my pitching and moaning about not understanding the law of the Old Testament versus the difficult strictures of living in a manner pleasing to God, how they differed from one another -- yesterday I understood that that was at least partly a smokescreen.  I was unwilling to abide in the Word and thereby live in the Spirit.  But this morning I understand more.  That the pain of those difficult strictures, the agony I was resisting was my flesh dying.  It didn't feel good, it wasn't joyful, and so I determined that I was misunderstanding something about this supposedly joyful Christian life.  But what I was experiencing was exactly right; it was the daily cutting away of the old man, the internal circumcision of the heart that allowed me to stay connected to the Head.

So when Paul says he boasts of the cross of Christ, I think he means that it is by this daily, personal participation in Jesus' death that is a sign of his salvation, not the external sign of fleshly circumcision.  He is saying to the Galatians (and to us), do not fall back into outward signs and ceremonies and rituals as an assurance of your standing before God.  Stay connected to the Head through the cross as it has its daily work in your heart.  That is your assurance.

God is not mocked!

Today's verse, which I have precious little time to write about today, is Galatians 6:7-8:

Do not be deceived:  God is not  mocked, for whatever one sows, that will he also reap.  For the one who sows to his own flesh will from the flesh reap corruption, but the one who sows to the Spirit will from the Spirit reap eternal life.

 This verse struck me today as I thought about all the whining and moaning I've done about Galatians lately, about struggling with our freedom in Christ, and yet how obedience to Him feels very much like the law we are supposed to have just been freed from.

First of all, I liked what our Bible study commentary had to say, just one line: "Grace is forgiving but it is demanding in its own way.  Freedom born of grace brings the responsibility to love and serve."  And another, "'Let us keep in step with the Spirit (Galatians 5:25) means to keep in line, as in military formation or dancing.  [Paul] urges the Galatians to march in rank and file, depending on the Spirit's help to submit to God's will and conform to His character.

So I shouldn't be surprised.  Freedom in Christ, Christian liberty, those terms we hear bandied about so much in Christian circles, do not mean freedom in the sense we like to think of freedom.  And actually, I guess if I'm thinking of freedom in those terms, that is definitely my own editorializing, because the Bible doesn't speak of that kind of freedom.  It speaks of freedom being slavery to Christ rather than slavery to the law. 

But more importantly, the verse struck me because God used it to give me a little nudge about how dishonest I've been in all my whining and complaining.  He reminded me that I might fool people and I may even deceive myself, but not Him;  He is not mocked.

Obedience to Him may feel like the law I am now free of, and I can complain about that until the cows come home, but the truth is that it feels like that when I haven't been spending regular time in the Word;  I am not sowing to the Spirit, but to my flesh.  I can fool others, but I can't fool Him.

Spiritual Drowsiness

Okay, this was a little spooky, but really not spooky at all -- just God sweetly whispering in my ear.

Yesterday I was talking about Hosea 14:4, that God will heal my backsliding and love me freely.  (I would use the 2nd person plurals, you and us, except that I'm sure none of you are backsliders like me.)  One thing I was thinking as I wrote that but didn't put down was how grateful I am for that verse because lately I feel like I have spiritual ADD.  I am not focusing very well.  I feel lazy and in a fog, which also explains why I've had so little to say in this blog. (Blog Fog!)  That's why I was so grateful for the reminder in that verse that He does the work in my spiritual growth, not me, and He loves me all along the way.

So last night I was preparing for bed, and I was just thinking (pretty carnally -- I really do know better than this, but in the moment, this is what I was thinking), Well, what's the bloody point anyway? His work gets on pretty well whether I'm involved or not, so why do I even need to pay attention?

Truthfully, not only did I know better than to be thinking along those lines, but if I'd been more honest with myself I would have admitted that the kernel of my thoughts was more of this nature: He never does what I say anyway.  Let Him go ahead and do things the way He wants, because He clearly doesn't need me, either to be involved or even to pay attention!

Just then I picked up my Charles Spurgeon devotional and read today's entry.  Tell me this wasn't God answering my very unholy thoughts!

Let us not sleep, as do others.  ~1 Thessalonians 5:8

There are many ways of promoting Christian wakefulness.  Among the rest, let me strongly advise Christians to converse together concerning the ways of the Lord.  Christian and Hopeful, as they journeyed toward the Celestial City, said to themselves, "To prevent drowsiness in this place, let us fall into good discourse."  Christian inquired, "Brother, where shall we begin?"  Hopeful answered, "Where God began with us."  Then Christian sang this song:

When saints do sleepy grow, let them come hither,
And hear how these two pilgrims talk together;
Yea, let them learn of them, in any wise,
Thus to keep open their drowsy, slumb'ring eyes.
Saints' fellowship, if it be managed well,
Keeps them awake, and that in spite of hell.

Christians who isolate themselves and walk alone are very liable to grow drowsy.  Keep Christian company, and you will be kept wakeful by it and refreshed and encouraged to make quicker progress on the road to heaven.  But as you take "sweet counsel" (Ps. 55:14) in the ways of God, take care that the theme of your conversation is the Lord Jesus.  Let your eyes be constantly looking to Him; let your heart be full of Him, let your lips speak of His worth.  Friend, live near the cross, and you will not sleep.  Impress on yourself a deep sense of the value of the place to which you are going.  If you remember that you are going to heaven, you will not sleep on the road.  If you think that hell is behind you, and the devil is pursuing you, you will not loiter.  Christian, will you sleep while the pearly gates are open, the songs of angels are waiting for you to join them, and a crown of gold is ready for your brow?  In holy fellowship continue to "watch and pray, that ye enter not into temptation" (Matt. 26:41).

I hang with a small group of Christian women, all the ballet moms, and I have to say, while we're all believers, it is only seldom that our conversation centers on Jesus.  I have been around people to work Jesus into every conversation, and that feels weird.  Very unrelateable, sometimes manufactured to impress, sometimes natural for them but just embarrassing for the listener.  But there is a happy medium.  It would be good to turn the talk more to Him.

But at the very least I can talk about Him with you, dear non-existent readers.  That's what made me laugh, what seemed so much like God, that that very day I had just committed here in my blog to sharing a verse a day for the next month.  Maybe that is the cure for my spiritual drowsiness! 

Mindless Blather, Then Something Good Springs Forth!

Just poking my head in to say hi!  The excitement of the day is L's Grade IV Cecchetti exam.  She and her friends have been working all year to get ready for it, and today is the big day!

No great thoughts roaming around the vast emptiness of my cranium these days, but I'm lonely for Small Dog, so I wanted to post something.  I had an opportunity to substitute teach L's literature class on Friday, which was a gas.  I love the literature, although I'm woefully undereducated to take on teaching literature regularly.  I am, however, considering and being considered for the illustrious position of High School Physics teacher next year.  The government would say I am also woefully undereducated for that position too, but I feel pretty confident I could do that.  I had four terms of physics at the University of Michigan back in my youth, and I think it will all come back to me once I begin to plumb the depths of this high school physics book.

Oh what is wrong with me???  That's all I got!  When, o when, have I ever had so little to say about nothing?  I can usually come up with at least 1000 words before I even get to any semblance of a point.  I'm losing my touch, I tell you!

I'll go take my vitamins and have more later!

************************

It's later now.  L and her friends successfully navigated their exam and are still basking in the glow.  Woo hoo! Good for them.

T will come back from Colorado tonight.  R spent the day with his old friend and I'll pick him up after the MSU game.  B decided to stay in Ann Arbor this summer, work at Ceva and participate in a Leadership Training program her Christian fellowship is offering.  D made it to Florida for Crusade's winter retreat at PCB, driving through a stormy night apparently. So all's well.

Here's my mindless dilemma.  I love my Small Dog blog, but I'm finding more to say in my Happy Moments blog, which has a pathetically stale and stupid name (but a very pretty background).  That explains why I'm blathering about nothing today here.  When I'm committed to writing in Happy Moments every day, no matter how briefly, it gets all the good stuff.

So somehow I need to find Small Dog a more defined purpose.  It started out as a receptacle for larger, more prodigious thoughts, but sadly, those are in short supply these days.  What to do?

*************************

So, I closed up shop here with that question, What to do?  And went about my business.  It came to me that if I'm committed to selecting the happy moment of the day and recording it in the Happy Moment blog, I wonder what would happen if I committed to choosing a verse for the day and recording it in Small Dog.  I may have to call out the snooze patrol, but what will it hurt for one month?  Just a one month trial.  Let's do it!

The verse for today came from Hosea 14:4 (KJV):
               I will heal their backsliding,
                     I will love them freely:
                           for mine anger is turned away from him.

Oh Lord, will You heal my backsliding?  Do You love me freely?  You do.  I know You do.  How my life would change if I could believe that entirely.  I want to live in Your love!

Good thing we still have the King James Version around!  I read the verse initially this afternoon in my Charles Spurgeon devotional, and clearly he used the KJV.  The NASB and the ESV both use the arcane and heartless word, "apostasy" for "backsliding."  Let me tell you, I know backsliding. The word "apostasy" leaves me muddled in my head (more muddled than usual, that is).  I always thought apostasy was reserved for rebellious Catholics, so the whole verse would have left me cold if I'd read it out of my Bible. 

So today I am encouraged to approach His throne of grace with confidence, because He will heal my backsliding and love me freely. 

That wasn't too bad for a first step in Small Dog's new direction, now was it?

The World's Barometer

It used to be that anything I wrote in this blog had been so completely and thoroughly thought through that the words took care of themselves once I finally sat down to write.  Today my thoughts are all in a jumble.  I hope I don't sound like a high school drop-out as I try to make sense of them. 

I have been doing some thinking and praying about the whole god-of-skinny business, and I am beginning to realize how much more of a stumbling block it has been for me than I've admitted to myself before.  I know God doesn't care about my size, He cares about my heart.  And what an affront to Him that I care about my size, that I have given in to the world's barometer of value.

I read a little tidbit online this morning that when women are looking at online dating sites, they're afraid the prospective date might be a serial killer.  Men are afraid their prospective date might be fat.

Case in point: my brother-in-law, whom I love dearly, hadn't had a steady job in more than a decade.  He didn't own a car, drove borrowed cars (his ex-wife's or one of his kid's) without insurance, didn't even have a place to sleep at night that was his own -- he bounced around friend's couches.  He has a drinking problem. He gambles.  He has a lot of wonderful qualities too, but these qualities, even just one of these, would immediately knock him right out of contention for any respectable woman.

So, he was doing some handyman work for our next door neighbor, a divorced woman.  She is attractive, well-educated, a working professional, owns her own home, has successfully raised her son on her own, comes from a financially well-to-do family, all in all, the picture of hard work, intelligence and stability.

Now brother-in-law got it into his head that she might be a candidate for some romantic attention.  Ahhh, but no.  She's a little overweight.

Huh?  He actually thought she was not good enough for him!  He would not lower himself to date her because she was overweight???!!!  It relieved me greatly that the embarrassment of him asking her out on a date was thereby averted, because, of course, she would never have considered spending time with him personally.  No thinking woman would!  But what kind of screwed up world do we live in that he actually placed himself above her, just because she was fat?  (And only a little fat, at that!)

I can be aghast at his audacity, but truthfully, in large part I also have given in to the same barometer of worth.  So I fight it, fight it, fight it with diets and meal plans.  I try avoiding sugar and Diet Coke.  I try homeopathy.  I go low-fat, then I go high-fat, low carb.  Drink more water.  Weight Watchers, Nutrisystem, Ephedra.  But the root of the problem is elsewhere, so all these things are like reining wild horses.  They might be controlled for a time, but in the end, they're still wild horses and will not be tamed.

So I've been struggling with Galatians in our CBS Bible study.  I struggle because it says that I'm free in Christ, and must not again submit either to my base nature, the elemental things of the earth, or to the Law -- not the Judaic Law, not the Christian law of the Baptists, and not to the law of virtuous eating.  I am free in Christ.

But, then the line of thinking is that because He has saved me, I want to obey Him.  I want to do all that is virtuous, because He loves me and I love Him. 

I do want to obey Him, but I don't find it that easy just because it seems to make sense.  I don't feel that power that Ephesians talks about, so living to please Jesus just becomes another law.

That's the big issue.  The big point of my posting anything at all today in such a confused, hurried manner.  How does living to please Jesus not just become another law?

It seems like we jump from the frying pan into the fire in this.  We say, You're not constrained by the law, you're free!!  Wooho...  But wait there's more: Obey Jesus as if you were constrained by the law, because it pleases Him, and you do want to please Him, don't you?  Oh.  Okay, well, yes, I do.  But now I'm back where I started.  I stink at keeping the law.

I sensed a glimmer of hope this week in Matthew 11:28 though.  Come to Me, He says.  I will teach you and give you rest.  Learn from Me.  My yoke is easy and My burden is light.  That I understand.  That I can do.  Forget all the craziness, forget the diets and eating plans.  Come to Me and I'll fix it for you.  I do believe that.  He is good.

Gotta run.  Will edit later!

Diet Power

2 Corinthians 5:9  
Therefore we also have as our ambition, whether at home or absent, to be pleasing to Him.

Eeee-yup.  My ambition is to be pleasing to Him.  But everyday one thing trips me up, and I've struggled ineffectively for years to conquer it.

Did you know that there are a lot of  diet blogs out there?  One gal, bless her heart, Shauna Reid, has made quite a name for herself blogging.  At one time she weighed 375 pounds, and over the course of several years lost more than half her body weight.  She is is a witty, fun read, and now her journey as recorded in her blog has been turned into a book, The Amazing Adventures of DietGirl.  I've read it and loved it!  It is funny, heartwarming and inspiring.  And she still keeps her blog up, www.dietgirl.org.

I've tried to divorce my fat-identity from my cyber-identity, and I especially do not want this to turn into a diet blog.  I understand how it happens, but I do not want to give my weight problem that much power in my life, that much voice.  The problem is there, but it doesn't have to define who I am.

The other day I took my daughter, L, the ballerina, to a consignment shop to get a party dress to wear to the Daddy-Daughter Dance this Saturday.  ($12, woohoo!)  What an experience to watch this lithe little thing slip size 6 strapless little ditties over her head, only to have them completely fall off.  (She was wearing a leotard underneath, having just come from dance.)  This store had a plethora of size 6's for some reason.  So we had to hunt for size 4's.  Finally found a cute black size 4, which was also too big, but she will wear her black leotard under it and we'll pin the dress to the leo.  That way those shoulders and arms aren't quite so bare and, thank you, the dress stays on.

That shopping experience reawakened my longing to be able to slip into clothes easily and have them drape beautifully.  I don't want to turn this into a diet blog, and I don't want my whole life to revolve around "fat woman needs to get skinny."  I want to live first and get in shape along the way, as an aside.


Having said that, after all my years of wrestling, I think it is time to give up.  Weight Watchers worked well for me for a time.  I have the Lose It app on my phone which is also good.  I have a FitBit and have the FitBit app talking to the Lose It app.  I've belonged to four different gyms over the years.  They all work.  It is I that do not work.  I am broken.

So no great insights here, only that it's time to pray.  I am broken, I cannot fix this, and I am going to ask my heavenly Father to help me.  He has all the power, and He can help me.

Ephesians 1:19
...and what is the immeasurable greatness of His power toward us who believe...

I have known this for awhile, but I haven't been ready to ask.  Maybe I haven't been ready to forsake my sin, but I am ready now.

The real question, once I get Him involved, is what is my primary ambition?  Is having a skinny body the first love in my heart?  Or is walking in fellowship with Him my first desire, without this sin interrupting our fellowship? I think I'm getting there now.  I want to walk with Him and shed this sin.

Check Out Happy Moments!

I decided that while the Happy Moment Journal is an insanely good idea for maintaining sanity, I didn't want to clog up my Small Dog blog with the daily ramblings.  So I created a new blog which you can access to the right under "Other Blogs I Follow."  Shhh, I'm being stealthy.  I made it look like I am selflessly promoting another blogger, when really it's just more of moi!

Just in case your scroller is broken or you have a sore finger or you're feeling timid, I'll link to it here too.  (Really, I'm just excited to try that fun looking "link" button up there in this blog-processor to make this a hotspot.)

happymomentsjournal.blogspot.com

Sadness

I've been thinking lately about sadness.  Is it really as bad as it's cracked up to be?  Does it deserve its bad reputation?  And what loon would even be asking these questions?

Well, this loon is.  If anyone were ever to read this blog, they might get the impression that I am an excruciatingly, exasperatingly happy person, verging on either obnoxious or intoxicated.  I realize that.  However, the real truth is, I find myself sad.  A lot.

The other day I was walking into my Bible study discussion battling some piercing ache in my heart.  Not a physical pain, an emotional one.  And I thought to myself, I am so tired of hurting.  Lord, why am I always hurting?  Why do I always have to hurt?  And I felt like the Holy Spirit whispered in my ear: it gives you understanding.

I have, I'm ashamed to say, often been amazed at the lack of understanding among various women I've met over the years.  Some simply don't understand how Scripture and God's love for us impacts our lives and relationships.  And others have a depressing way of making the wonders of Jesus trite and banal.  Their verbiage exposes that their emotions are not engaged even as they are encompassed on all sides by God's truth.  They lack understanding in a different way.

So this touch from the Holy Spirit helped.  It was a drink of cool water, and I am thankful. 

For the record, I am not in the habit of taking thoughts that run through my head and attributing them to the Holy Spirit.  This touch was different.  It wasn't me; it was Him.

I am so thankful for His touch, for His gentle words, His comfort, because I was on the verge of asking Him if I should just go to the doctor and get an anti-depressant.  I know I could have it for the asking.  Basically, just medicate the ache away.

But I'm not depressed.  I'm really not depressed.  Hurting, even often, is not the same as being depressed.  There is plenty of joy in my life, my happy moments are truly happy, I believe everything I say about the marvelous truths of Scripture and how much God loves and cares for me.  I am not unhappy in the least. I am happy!  But things still hurt, even often.

I have typed out, more for my own benefit than anyone else's, the verses we all know from Romans, James, Hebrews and 1 Peter that talk about the blessedness of trials.  Eh.  Although I would never dispute the unerring truth of these Scriptures, they don't really hit at what I am talking about here.

Well, the Hebrews passage is definitely relevant.  You know it -- it talks about how God disciplines His children as a father does his son.  He disciplines those He loves for our good, so we can share in His holiness. While it is unpleasant at the time, it later yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness.

Psalm 34:18 comes closer:  The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

My heart has been broken, and because of that, I have been blessed to feel God's presence.  He has been near to me and has saved me.  Not any nearer to me than He is to anyone else, but hurting has made my heart sensitive to know His presence, and I have been blessed.

No antidepressants for me.  When sadness comes, I will welcome it as a friend and take my delight in the Lord.


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 Hebrews 12:5-11
And have you forgotten the exhortation that addresses you as sons?  "My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord, nor be weary when reproved by Him.  For the Lord disciplines the one He loves, and chastises every son whom He receives." It is for discipline that yo have to endure.  God is treating you as sons.  For what son is there whom his father does not discipline?  If you are left without discipline, in which all have participated, then you are illegitimate children and not sons.  Besides this, we have had earthly fathers who disciplined us and we respected them.  Shall we not much more be subject to the Father of spirits and live?  For they disciplined us for a short time as it seemed best to them, but He disciplines us for our good, that we may share His holiness.  For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.

Romans 5:3-5
More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.

James 1:2-4
Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness.  And let steadfastness have its full effect. that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.

1 Peter 1:6-9
In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith -- more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire -- may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ.  Though you have not seen Him, you love Him.  Though you do not now see Him, you believe in Him and rejoice with joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory, obtaining the outcome of your faith, the salvation of your souls.
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Another Happy

There were some definite ups and downs today, but because I set myself the task of noting a happy moments, the day has a more positive glow about it than it would otherwise.

All in all, I'd have to say my favorite "happy" of this day was a brief few minutes I had with R this afternoon.  There was nothing unusual about it.  Four days a week I leave to take L to dance just before R gets home from school.  So I usually call him on my way back home just to touch base.  We have a script we follow, and every day it sounds exactly like this:

"Hey bud, how you doin'?"
"Fine."
"How was school?"
"Good."
"What happened today?"
"Nothin'."

The beauty of mother-son bonding.  Sometimes I have errands to run, but usually I head back home for more bonding of the same variety.  About once a week the script is lengthened by a few seconds:

"Did you get something to eat?"
"No.  What can I eat?"
"Well, you can make a turkey sandwich or nachos. There are pizza rolls and corn dogs in the freezer."
"Will you bring me McDonald's?"

For the record, he has never made himself a turkey sandwich after school.  But being a mom I persist in suggesting it;  it is such a reasonable choice.  By McDonald's he means a McDouble and a strawberry shake.

So today was a McDouble day.  I walked in with his sandwich and shake, and we had about 15 minutes of completely meaningless banter.  I think I pointed out the amazing difference in price per ounce if one buys a larger bottle of perfume versus a small bottle.  He was duly impressed and countered with advice on the best knife to use when sizing down a shake cup so the dog can get his muzzle all the way to the bottom of the cup.  We discussed the best gym membership option for me and T, especially given that neither of us has made it to the gym yet this year.  And we ended our time together playing a silly game of "What'd you say?", asking each other to repeat him/herself for no good reason at all except to win a smile for silliness. Completely inane but gently amusing, and  somehow it worked with the rhythm of the moment, causing my heart to swell with happy.

There were other happy moments today.  I found a beautiful party dress for L to wear to the Daddy-Daughter dance this Saturday for $12 at a consignment shop.  She is only 80% pleased with it, but for $12, who could beat it?  That was a happy!  I went to the dentist, had a cleaning and a repair job done and nothing hurt.  That was a happy!  I had a fun conversation with my sister on the car ride home from the dentist.  And the sun was out and the sky was blue.  Happy, happy!  I created a yummy jambalaya-type concoction for dinner because I had nothing else prepared, and everyone liked it.  Happy.   

But those few moments with my R stand out as the best of the day.  He is a quiet kid, a still-waters-run-deep kind of kid.  When T is home, the TV is on, L is chattering away, the pressures of dinner, homework, and various chores consume our attention, he can easily fade into the background.  Even when I'm alone with him, he's not quick to volunteer his thoughts.

So I cherish those moments of connection, of eye contact, smiles and light hearts, of affable interaction. Today, he was my happy.

Happy Moment Project

So, in spite of my quasi-bashing of the Happiness Project book a post of two ago, I'm becoming a disciple.  My sister has an idea she's implementing from her journey through the Happiness Project that I think is just a stroke of genius! Every night before she hops into bed she is taking the time to think through what the happiest moment of the day was, and writing it down.  Just a line or two.  But what a fantastic discipline!  First of all, it forces us to remember that, no matter how heavy our burdens seemed that day, there was a happy moment.  It forces us to dwell on it, even if just for a minute or two, and be thankful.  Additionally, it will allow us to see a pattern in what makes us happy, and that pattern, I'm guessing, may surprise us in the end!

So what was my happy moment for today?  It had to be the 30 minutes in the hot tub with the family (T and the younger two kids, R and L).  It was cold enough that the boards of the deck creaked as we walked on them, the sky was clear and full of stars, and we were all relaxed, talking about nothing, just being together.  Oliver was alternately playing in the snow or under the deck, and then coming up to nuzzle someone's neck or lick an arm.  We discussed which hot tub light color we liked best and why, deciding ultimately that red and blue were the favorites.  R ran out into the snow for a bit just for the thrill of coming back into the warm tub.  We discussed that although the challenge of making a snow angel in a wet bathing suit might sound fun, it would not be advisable with all the poop accumulating in the yard right now!  And we saw who could lift their straight legs furthest out of the water while seated.  That was probably the most important issue at hand.  It was a happy moment!

Strange Week

It's a odd occurrence indeed when the quintessential homebody, yours truly, is bored on a relaxed evening at home, but such is the case tonight.  Nothing on TV, can't eat anymore, and it's not time for bed yet, meaning the family's all still up so I don't feel right secreting myself away to read a good book.  And actually, I have nothing to say, so I shouldn't be blogging, but like I said, I'm bored.

So I will entertain you with the strange emotional upheavals in our home over the past week.  It all began last Monday when we went out to dinner, just the four of us, T, R (son), L (daughter) and me.  L, an 8th-grader, announces that her friend, Mary, asked a guy she liked, Teddy, out on a date to a movie this weekend.  Her mom said she could as long as another friend went with them.

That was as far as she got, and T said, "NO."  Whew!  Go T!  Up with dads!

Much to my surprise, however, L's face immediately clouded over and her eyes welled up with tears.  Now I, being the parent who can usually "track" with the kids emotionally, was lost.  Bewildered.  Confused, perplexed and stupefied.  Rattled, snowed, stumped and befuddled.  (Nah, I'm just having fun with dictionary.com.  =)  )  Why would this be so important to her?  She sees her small group of friends almost everyday.  What could possibly be the big deal about not being allowed to go to this movie?  I knew she was showing a rather new interest in guys, but I couldn't believe she actually liked this guy.  Besides, it wasn't her date -- she was just to be the chaperone. I hoped that maybe it was nothing more than being tired or hormonal and the whole issue would evaporate with a good night's sleep.

No such luck.  The issue was not only alive and kicking the next day,  it was morphing before our eyes, changing shape hoping to take on a more acceptable form.  I had told L that I had nothing against guys coming to be a part of her social landscape, but I preferred it all happen in a more natural way, slowly ingratiating themselves with her "homies" until they were all just a big gang of friends, guys and girls together.  I told her this just seemed forced.  Mary wanted a date, so she was trying to pull her friends onto the scene, rather than going out with friends and inviting a friendly guy along to get to know everyone too.

After a bit of haggling I agreed that if there were more girls than guys in the party, she could go.  So her friend went to work, calling all the girls they knew, trying to massage the numbers in their favor (because now there were two guys involved -- Teddy wanted to bring his friend, Tony).  As it turned out, T and I were so distracted by the social dynamics of the situation, we hadn't worried a bit about what movie they had chosen.  The other moms, having no idea of the origin of the gathering, were all saying 'no' because they were proposing to see the PG-13 movie, Chronicle.  Thankfully, those moms looked up the review and saw that the movie included multiple references to teen sex, including a scene where a teen boy leads a teen girl up to his room, and then there's a shot of his pants down around his ankles.  Another teenage boy complains he hasn't had sex since the previous summer.  Wonderful.  And this is PG-13.

But the strange thing was L's emotional attachment to this outing.  She cried every time I brought it up, and there seemed to be no talking reason with her.  I just couldn't figure out what was going on.  I mean, I get it.  She's a full-blown teenager now, and I've felt the full force of the crabbiness for more than a year now.  But this was different.  Never before had we come to loggerheads over value judgments.  She has always agreed with our ideas of right versus wrong, wise versus foolish, smart versus stupid, careful versus reckless, judicious versus foolhardy, sagacious versus naive, perspicacious versus ignorant...  =)   (just bein' silly)

Finally this morning, at the eleventh hour, she revealed her perspective, and all the missing pieces fell into place.  After more tears even before 9:00 a.m., we were on our way to her once-a-week homeschool classes, Palaestra, where she would have to either finalize plans or bail completely on Mary, and she reached over to turn off the radio.  (I had turned it on just to diffuse the obvious tension between us.)  She said she had been praying that God would provide a way for her to get to know more homeschooled kids from Palaestra, and she really believed that this was God's answer to her prayer.  She had no interest in either of these guys, and she didn't approve of her friend trying to work the back door to have a date, but she was really just wanting her social world to be able to expand a bit.  And having prayed, she had been so happy to have this opportunity.  That was all.

Ahhh.  Now this made sense.  For several weeks she had been talking about wishing she knew more people at Palaestra, feeling a little confined with her small group of four or five girls.  Maybe a little caged, constrained and hemmed in.  Hog-tied, repressed, restricted, held back and trapped.  Cramped, enclosed, hindered, stifled.  (More dictionary.com  =P  )  What a wonderful balm to my soul that she had brought her trouble to the Lord!  All the pieces came together happily.

We are so blessed with this daughter, our most social little peanut, that her friends' parents have such great relationships with their daughters and are so intimately involved in their daughters' lives.  I dropped her off at Palaestra, did a couple errands and returned an hour or so later.  When I walked into the mom waiting area, Mary's mom, Lisa, and another friend who had not been willing to let her daughter see Chronicle, were sitting together reading the movie's review online.  And, don't tell L, but I filled them in on all the upheaval this "date" had caused in our family.  Lisa had no idea all these social contortions had been going on, and was very glad to read to full scoop about the movie.

We talked openly about our ideas about how to handle the whole "dating" scene with our kids, various challenges, wanting to guide the kids in wisdom yet without being so restrictive that we actually incite rebellion.  Lisa searched out the girls and talked to them about changing the movie selection, and to her daughter about the wisdom of all these awkward machinations just to get a "date" with Teddy.  (Do you think Teddy has any idea what's going on here?)

T and I always told our kids that the purpose of dating is marriage.  If they're not ready to get married, or if marriage is not at least somewhere in the foreseeable future, then they're not ready to date.  Our older two children definitely saw the sense in that line of thinking.  So far, I believe the younger two do also.  Thank you, Lord!

So the social engagement is on.  A better movie selection has drawn a few more girls, and I'm sure the whole thing will be fine.  Mary is still sweet on Teddy and will enjoy a little time with him, but I'm sure, whatever chemistry exists between them, prudence will prevail.  L has a great group of friends and her friends have great parents.  I am so thankful to go through these tumultuous years with them.

******************

Date turned out to be quite anticlimactic.  The boys arrived at the theater, bought their tickets and sat down a good 10-15 minutes before the girls, who arrived just in time to buy a ticket and find a seat.  After the movie, the boys mumbled something about having to use the bathroom, and were off.  That was that.  So much vexation for so little return.  Ouy!