Lily (or, Reed, continued)

Last week I was privileged to spend time in Philadelphia with my sister's family, which meant I got to see my niece and her new baby, Lily. Lily is 17 months old now, cute as a button, with a happy disposition. But they have become a little concerned about the fact that she isn't talking at all yet. She "coos" in the sweetest, soft way, but no words. My niece, Lizzy, has had her hearing tested more than once, and she has failed the hearing test twice. Although it raises an eyebrow, somehow even that isn't definitive—maybe her hearing will turn out to be okay after all. So they will continue to keep an eye on things.

What strikes me about the situation however is not Lily, as much as she, in all her adorability, commands center stage. It's Lizzy.

Lizzy loves that baby. I mean, Lizzy LOOOOOVVVVVEEEESSSSSS that baby. Lizzy's reaction to learning that Lily may have some form of physical defect? Unruffled. Which surprised even her, I think, judging by the fact that she mentioned it.

But I get it. I totally get it. I think that baby's arms and legs could all fall off, and...while that might rattle her slightly...it would in no way affect the unwavering, almost insane devotion her heart feels for that chubby little blob of cooing, drooling, gurgling, toddling humanity.

This dovetails on my (lack of) exchange with Reed. Answer me or don't answer me, kid (see previous post). Nothing can diminish my love for you. Nothing can derail my conviction of your worth. Not even you can change how I feel about you. You cannot dampen my celebration of your life. Get used to it, kid. I love you, and you're not getting out of it.

But here's the thing: I DID NOT INVENT PARENTHOOD!

I did not create these feelings in myself. My love for my children exists only as a picture of GOD'S love for HIS children. I am convinced that my love for my children is downright tepid compared to God's love for His children. And my love for my children is ferocious. Ferocious.

And that is all I have to say on the topic. It speaks for itself. We do not live as if we have a Father who loves us with that kind of ferocity, do we? No. We don't.

Let's do.

Reed

My Reed. Wonderful, creative, intelligent, kind and gentle yet adventurous son Reed. My heart swells when I think of this kid. And yet, he is in so many ways my mystery child. He has never been one to let me peer closely into his rich, inner world, and now he is off at school, two hours away. 

During his high school years I sensed it was important to grant him the freedom he seemed to want, both physical and emotional. So I did my best not to pressure him for information. My antennae were always up, looking for clues that he was “okay,” and in general I was satisfied that he was. But (and I’m embarrassed to admit this) he never allowed us to meet any of his friends other than the ones we already knew from the neighborhood. When by happenstance we would meet a friend from school, I saw they were generally very successful kids, good grades, clean-cut. So why would he not bring them home or let us into his world?

I could only conclude that for some reason he just needed space. He needed independence. Intuitively, I understood that. He desperately needed to not be “mommy-ed.” Somehow that was important to his burgeoning manhood, and for the most part I tried to grant him that freedom graciously. Well, I like to tell myself I was being gracious. The alternative would have been nothing but a fruitless four-year storm, so maybe it was just a case of sour grapes.

When it came time for him to go away to school, he surprised me with a suggestion that he “may not be wanting what we think he wants,” meaning he may want to stay home and go to community college. I was surprised but supportive, and began looking into his options in that regard. 

In the end, however, I am proud to have been the one to tell him, “Honey, I really think you need to get out of here, away from me and dad. We are the problem.” I just sensed he was pulling away emotionally because he couldn’t get away physically. We were always there, threatening to intrude where we weren’t wanted. If he went away physically, maybe he would feel freer to come back emotionally.

Right? Right. I know I was right.

And so he did go away, and he has been happy. So happy at school. And I am so happy to see him happy!

But so far, he hasn’t come back emotionally. So far, he is still far away. He is polite and kind and warm and friendly toward me. He loves me and he tells me so. But he keeps his world private, and that makes me sad. 

I miss him. I miss feeling connected to him. It seems so long ago now since I have felt connected. 

Our primary mode of communication these days is texting, although I use the word “communication” loosely because he doesn’t usually respond when I text him. Such was the case last week. 

On Wednesday I texted him a picture of two individual crocks of rice pudding I had made that brought back a fond memory from his childhood. No response. But that's okay. It was just a nostalgic whim.

On Saturday I knew he had traveled to Iowa for a hockey tournament, so I texted him to ask how the tournament was going. No response. Also okay. He was busy with his tournament and teammates, after all.

On Sunday night I knew he should be home from the tournament, so I texted him to ask if he had made it home safely and how the tournament had gone. No response. Hmm.

On Monday it occurred to me to actually worry that he had, in fact, not made it home from the tournament safely, so I texted him again. No response. He could be in a hospital in Iowa. Or dead.

Then it occurred to me that he may have lost his cell phone, so I Facebook messaged him. No response. Yep, definitely either dead or seriously damaged. A hockey skate to the neck, a bad hit into the boards, a car accident, I couldn't be sure. But doubtless, he was languishing in an Iowan hospital. Or languishing no more in an Iowan morgue. 

Finally, Monday night I got a text from him: “It was good.” Meaning the tournament. Which meant he did not lose or break his cell phone, he did get home safely, and yes, indeed, he had been just ignoring all my other texts. And I still didn’t know what had happened at the tournament other than he didn’t die.

As it happened, I was in Philadelphia with Beatriz on Monday when I got that text, and she read the thread. (Is it still called a thread when it’s that one-sided?) She took my phone and texted Reed back, saying, “Little [poop emoticon] = you.”

I was horrified. I would never say anything like that to any of my kids. But she convinced me a) Reed would think it was funny, and b) he deserved it. So I left it there for a day and a half. Then horror got the better of me. I let him know that I had not actually sent that, and I asked him if his feelings were hurt.

As it turns out, Beatriz was right: he did think it was funny, and his feelings were not hurt. But he did out of the blue suddenly text me and say he might come home this weekend. See? He is a sweetie.

 I shared the story with Dom the other night and he said, “Oh Mom, my feelings would have been really hurt if I thought you had sent that to me!” Which prompted me to seek even more reassurance from Reed that his feelings were not hurt. He did respond right away with that reassurance, so I think he got the message. (Text Mom!) He really is a sweet and tenderhearted kid. I’ve always known that.

Well, there is a point to all this! I think God has many lessons for us in the love we feel for our children.

As it turns out, I had been just a little too busy for God that week. Nothing was wrong; I had just neglected my time with Him. I went to Philadelphia to see my sister and her family, I met Beatriz there, I saw my nephew and niece perform in their school musical, I saw my other niece and her new baby, my sister’s father-in-law was there. I was also busy with my Bible study gals, and on and on it went. I didn’t take time to enjoy God or remember His love for me. 

Further, I wasn’t even praying. I wasn’t remembering Him at all. 

Little Miss Independent. Off the grid. On my own. Enjoying His privileges, forgetting the relationship from whence those privileges arose.

But God, in His kindness, gave me Reed. 

My heart leaps when Reed texts me at all. Any communication from him is cause for celebration. Even when he is just telling me a need: Mom, I need more contacts. Mom, my jeans are all too short. Mom, I need rent money. Mom, I would love boxing gloves for Christmas. Even then, I am happy. I just want to hear from him. And even when I have been disappointed for a week that he hasn’t responded to my texts, when he finally does respond, I am happy. All is forgiven! I’m just glad he is okay. 

Because I love him, I love him, I love him. I celebrate his very existence, and I long to be in relationship with him. I yearn for connection with him.

How much more does God long for connection with us? Not that I dare paint God as “needy,” but He loves. And He is joyous in communion with His children, just as I am joyous in communion with Reed, with all my children. I am convinced that this is true. 

And so I was instructed by my precious Reed. The same joy I find in Reed's communion with me, God also finds in my communion with Him. It is not a duty I perform that I pray and sit with Him each day: it is a relationship. I find joy in Him, yes. But! But. He also takes joy in me. Unfathomable, but true. My Father takes joy in me, just like I take joy in my Reed. 

Indeed, I do take joy in Reed. I take joy in his very essence. I celebrate everything that makes him unique. I love him. 

And that’s the way God feels about me, in all my ridiculousness. In all my frailties, my quirks, my shortcomings. Throughout my history of failure, self-will, temper tantrums, mistakes, fitful spiritual enthusiasm and eventual, enigmatic, painfully slow spiritual growth, He loves me. Just like I love Reed. Jesus longs for me, just like I long for Reed. 

Nothing will discourage my love for Reed. No amount of neglect on his part could ever frustrate my enthusiasm for him or my joyous celebration of his very being.

How can it be that my God feels that same indefatigable love for me?

Yet how could it not be? How could it not be? He is the one who created my love for Reed. Is it possible that I could love my child more than He loves His children? Obviously not.

I still have confidence that Reed will eventually get a little better at responding to text messages. And in the meantime, maybe I'll focus on responding more quickly to God's, eh?

Jack, the Catholic (who really likes Isla)

In a previous post I spoke of Jack, the friend of my daughter Isla. It has been over two years since they met, and they have now officially been dating for more than a year. Initially, the flap was over the age difference, a full four years. In the early stage of their friendship, that dominated our thinking. We thought of him as "Jack, the 21-year-old." As he came to be more of a regular fixture, however, we forgot about the age difference, and he became simply "Jack, the boy who really likes Isla."

At that point, however, began the serious business of getting to know the kid. And there is where we ran headlong into the first hurdle—faith differences. Jack comes from a deeply religious and beautifully faith-filled home where love for God is carefully taught and modeled by his parents. The difference is that his family is Catholic, while we are non-denominational evangelicals. Catholics and evangelicals agree on the most important aspects of faith, but as they say, the devil is in the details. For the moment, this issue has become paramount, so he has now become—just while we work this through—"Jack, the Catholic (who really likes Isla)." What we are realizing is that Catholics and evangelicals play well together, but they do not necessarily marry well together.

We knew Jack was Catholic before they started dating. My spidey senses told me, however, that he was more than a solid character, and I was hopeful his brand of Catholicism matched our evangelical faith better than the average, run-of-the-mill Catholics we knew (those who are more Catholic by heritage, rather than by faith).To start, he and his seven siblings were or will be homeschooled all the way through high school. Further, without knowing that this was very much on my (or Isla's) radar, he showed Isla pictures of his church and the flowers for which his family was responsible during the Christmas season. He also showed her a picture of the Halloween pumpkin he had carved the previous year: an impressive rendering of the face of Jesus. Hello! He won some brownie points there!

But in addition to those things, just my sense of Jack was that he lacked the worldliness typical of most college sophomores. He still lived at home with his parents and siblings, and his younger siblings clearly adored him. We definitely got the feeling that Isla was his first real girlfriend. And he took the remarkable step of calling Tom, going out to lunch with him, and asking his permission to date her. I assumed at the time that his parents had put that idea into his head in light of the age difference, but no! That was all his own idea and his own initiative.

So, while I knew we were going to have to discuss Catholicism eventually, all these things made it easy to keep it on the back burner for the moment.

Jack's mom was much more forward thinking. Apparently she had alarm bells ringing and red flags waving from the get-go, and sadly, she was not being unreasonable—there is an issue here. These kids are both surrounded by people who care deeply about their respective faith traditions, the faith of their children, and the faith of their future grandchildren. Moreover, Isla and Jack themselves care deeply, irrespective of their families and friends.

Isn't something topsy-turvy here though? We have a problem because two young people who love the Lord—the same Lord—were raised with different ideas of what it means to worship Him (the same Him). Shouldn't this be reconcilable? Isn't the most important aspect of this that they love Jesus and honor Him as Lord?

Yeeessssss....but. But. But, but, but.

I had been giving it a lot of thought even before it came to a head. To a large degree, this a man-made division. To the extent that the kids each seek Jesus actively, personally and directly, the issue evaporates. Jesus is the object of our worship. He is the goal. The church, whether Catholic or evangelical, is a tool we Christ followers use to help us in our pursuit of knowing Him better and obeying Him more fully, that's all.

As a computer science major in college, I once had a conversation with a guy getting an engineering degree. He told me he viewed computers as a necessary tool, like a pencil—obliquely casting aspersions on my chosen major. He discreetly left it there, but I understood his point: he was interested in what the pencil could do for him, but not in the pencil itself. He would never make a career of studying pencils!

In the same way, I wonder if we are we in danger of worshiping the vehicles of our faith rather than the Author of the faith? Sometimes, I am afraid we are. And I do not think one tradition is less guilty of this than the other! We all have a tendency to be lazy in our pursuit of Christ, preferring to rest on our alliance with the church we believe to be the "true" one.

I hope we recognize that each tradition brings to the worship its own beauty and grace. Evangelicals bring a focus on a personal relationship with God and an emphasis on personal study of the Word. Catholic mass fosters a sense of awe and wonder in the presence of a holy God, something that can get lost in an informal evangelical service. Evangelicals rejoice in the confidence of their salvation through Christ's work on the cross with no stipulations, no hoops to jump through. Catholic sacraments provide formal opportunities to express publicly our love for the risen Savior and our trust in His saving work. Evangelicals emphasize small group Bible studies to discuss the Word and to encourage each other through fellowship. Catholics embrace the beautiful and trustworthy language of the ancient liturgies, succinct and powerful reminders of the bedrock of our faith. What richness could come from bringing the two traditions together!

Let's be honest here. Jack believes Catholicism to be the truth, but he is not Catholic because he believes it is the truth. He is Catholic because he was born into a Catholic family. In the same way, Isla believes evangelicalism to be the truth, but she is not an evangelical because she believes it is the truth. She is an evangelical because that is what she born into. Period.

My point is that Jack and Isla were each presented with the truth about Jesus as young children. They both grabbed hold of Him and wanted Him in their lives (something not every child from a religious home does). From their hearts, they each fully ascribed to the faith traditions of their families as the only means they were given to live out the faith they accepted. Catholic or evangelical, they both started in the same place: a readiness to receive Christ.

So why do we have a problem?

Well, Catholics do hold beliefs that evangelicals could never swallow. Transubstantiation seems to get a lot of press when there is talk of where the traditions diverge, but really, I suspect it's only for the fun of saying the word. If you want to believe that the bread and cup become the actual body and blood of Christ, you have at it. I cannot imagine why it should bother anyone what one person believes or doesn't believe regarding that. And maybe there are some other differences that each party can easily roll with.

But (sigh), there are thornier issues at hand. And this is where Jack's mom is coming from, I'm sure.

My brilliant brother-in-law, who is getting his Master's degree in biblical studies, sent me a paper he wrote outlining the differences between Catholicism and evangelicalism. More precisely, it was a precis, which is apparently what you call a book report once you're out of the third grade. So these are the points presented in the highly regarded book, Roman Catholicism and Evangelicalism, by Norman L. Geisler and Ralph E. MacKenzie.

This paper was literally a Godsend as faith conversations between Isla and Jack became increasingly foggy and chaotic, possibly even slightly acrimonious. The paper is divided into three sections: Areas of Doctrinal Agreement, Areas of Doctrinal Differences, and Areas of Practical Cooperation. As I read the first section, the Areas of Doctrinal Agreement, I wanted to stand up and cheer. Yes! Do you see? These are the most important and glorious things, and we agree!!! How could we ever argue when we agree about these wonderful things?

Then came the Areas of Doctrinal Differences. I steeled my heart and held my breath, but I could not forestall the cold realization that, indeed, Catholics and evangelicals do not swim in the same stream.

The third section, Areas of Practical Cooperation, buoyed my spirits slightly, but led me to the depressing conclusion with which I began this post: Catholics and evangelicals play well together, but do not marry well together.

 Maybe there is still hope. After all, Isla does not want to marry the Catholic church; she wants to marry Jack. And whether Jack knows it or not, Jesus does not look at him through the prism of the Catholic church. He looks at Jack, just Jack, all by himself.

I am suggesting that although he is Catholic, maybe Jack himself, for example, does not see the sacraments as causes of redemption, but rather symbols of redemption. The Catholic perspective of institutionalizing salvation through required sacraments is an absolute showstopper for an evangelical. The nuances of Jack's beliefs about the sacraments make all the difference. Other examples: Maybe believing in papal infallibility does not represent a cornerstone of his belief system. And does believing in the sinlessness of Mary constitute heresy from an evangelical standpoint? Maybe it's just faulty theology, until you cross the line and begin to worship her, and maybe Jack stays on the evangelical side of that line. And does Jack really believe that the priest can absolve him from sin? Is the priest's work a necessary adjunct to Christ's work on the cross? Or does he simply find welcome relief from guilt as he confesses his sin to another human being (James 5:16).

These are troubling and nuanced discussions. Truthfully, before Isla came along, I am not sure Jack himself would ever have had reason to think through these things. The other day Jack was over and I pounced on the opportunity to yammer at him about all that was bottled up in my heart regarding these things. I did way too much talking and not nearly enough listening. He said at one point, "I could just start talking about what I believe, but I think I would just end up saying stupid things. I think I should go find out more about these things first." What a wise answer! You see why I like this kid? (Proverbs 18:13, 17:28; James 1:19, 3:1-12)

Nevertheless, I have to believe, and I believe this with my whole heart, that the more they tread lightly with regard to their respective religions, but rather focus on the Author of their faith, the more likely everything will fall into place.

Tread lightly.

The more they try to force an evangelical girl into a Catholic belief system,

the more they try to pry a Catholic boy away from his beloved heritage,

the more they are headed for heartache, conflict and tears. It could be their undoing.

If they succeed, one of them could end up violating his or her conscience. If they fail, they could end up abandoning their faith foundations altogether in favor of a weak and tepid fellowship with each other. Neither is a good option.

So the day Jack was over, this was my (regrettably cheesy) take-away for them: chase Jesus. Just chase Jesus together, actively and visibly. Dance with all your hearts on the common ground. Somehow He will have the answers for them that Jack's mother and I do not have. I believe He can make this work out.

Jack, the Catholic, loves Isla, the evangelical. That is the earthbound view. How will their story end?

The Question of a King

My job is to walk with You. I don't need all the things my flailing heart has been seeking. I only need to nestle close to You and walk with You and listen for Your voice.

Just like the Israelites wanted a king rather than You... I have wanted a job. I have wanted You to give me a place and an income and an assignment where I can say, “This is what God wants me to do,” and then just DO it. Rather than making the effort to seek YOU and Your beautiful face and Your beautiful voice every moment of every day.

But it's the same. The Israelites didn't like the idea of a relationship with You. They just wanted a king to follow, a king to take responsibility for them, rather than interacting with You as You led them directly. A king was a relationally lazy way out for them. No relationship, no faith, just follow.

And that's what I have been wanting with a job. Just give it to me and I'll do it. No daily seeking of Your face, no moment by moment awareness of Your Presence and seeking of Your approval, no daily dependence on You for sustenance. A job that would provide some measure of (perceived) security for the future, a social "place" and reason to be alive, a purpose. It would give me an IDENTITY. People I meet would say, “What do you do?” And I could reply, “Oh, I work for _____ doing _____.”

Rather than seeking You and following Your direction day by day, week by week, month by month, year by year. Trusting You for purpose, for provision, for identity. You are so much better, my good Father.  

This is an excerpt from my quiet time journal. It was a wonderful epiphany the Lord gave me as I walked Oliver the other day, and it has been on my heart every since. I have always been frustrated with the Israelites when I have read this story, so it was a joy, actually, to see how it applied in my life as well. Not that it was a joy to see how wrong I had been, but it was a joy to make the right choice in the depths of my heart—unlike the Israelites.

In pondering this over the course of the week, it occurs to me too that this is the downfall of a lot of organized religion as generations go by. While all the Christian denominations were begun with sincerity of heart and purpose, as the years pass, the rituals and customs that began in genuine worship, have come to be meaningless to the congregants. They have come to provide the lazy way out of a relationship with God, or at least, fill unthinking people with that perception, don’t they?  I know that many catechists and Sunday school teachers work hard to instill in little ones the depth of the meaning behind the rituals in which they are about to engage. How much sinks in? And how LONG does it stick? Not too long for most, I’m afraid. The intent is there, but it’s too often lost in the hearts of the participants. Congregants of these religions want to just follow the rules of their religion, and not bother with a relationship with their Creator. Just like I have been longing for a job and/or a place in ministry, rather than walking day by day with Jesus, seeking His instruction for the day. Not for my life as a whole, but for that day. For that moment. For that person I am interacting with just then. It’s a lot harder.

I am more excited to be a part of His kingdom, of His will, to walk and talk with Him in secret, than to brandish the identity of the world on my chest through a job, an income, a social circle, a ministry. I am His and He is mine, in secret, and that is all I need to be.

Aunt Shirley

Whoever has My commandments and keeps them, he it is who loves Me. And he who loves Me will be loved by My Father, and I will love him and manifest Myself to him.
                                                                                                John 14:21

What more is there? Oh Lord Jesus, that is all I want in all of life. I want You to love me and manifest Yourself to me. Tell me how to best keep Your commandments today. I live for Your love.

My Aunt Shirley is 96 years old and has always been my favorite aunt.  She defines classy, and even at 96, her mind was sharp as a tack.  I say "was" because yesterday she had a massive stroke and is in a hospital.  Her worst fear has been realized:  she has been incapacitated by a stroke, but not killed.  She has lost bladder and bowel control, and her left side is completely paralyzed, although it appears her mind is still thinking and aware.  Her daughter, a believer, asks that we pray for mercy -- without saying that the merciful thing here might be that God would take her home.  I hope and pray that my aunt knows Jesus as her Savior.  I think there is a good chance that she does, but being from an older generation, she may not use the same verbiage to discuss it that I do.  (And truthfully, although she is my favorite aunt, I am not personally that close to her.)

Anyway, I think about Aunt Shirley, so ready to go home, and now right on the brink of eternity.   Assuming she spiritually ready, what a glorious thing!

Her race is run, and it is now time to know Jesus fully, not dimly.  To know His love and for Him to be fully manifested.  Isn't that really what we all ache for?  Doesn't even Scripture say that all of creation groans for Him, for Him to come back and rule, to take back what is His?

I know I do.  I ache for Him, to know Him more fully.  And I suspect that a lot of the things I chase after in this life are really pathetic substitutes.  When I am more careful about the imaginings of my mind and the ponderings of my heart, I realize that there are many things going on in my inner man that, really, He is the answer to, if I could only grasp that.

So today, this is my prayer:  that Jesus would show me how to keep His commandments TODAY.  That TODAY, I would better know His love for me and that He would manifest Himself to me.  Give me this day my daily bread, Father!  Just today, I want to know You better!

Let's Dance

Tom and I went to his cousin's wedding last weekend.  It was good to see his family, parts of his family that we haven't seen much of since before we were married.  Cousins, aunts and uncles, old friends.  It was good to reconnect.

Weddings bring out the best in his family; in particular, they highlight the marked difference between his family and mine.  His family has a definite flair for fun.  They know how to be silly, they love to laugh, and especially, they love to dance.  (They also love to drink.  All a part of their charm!)  What struck me especially this weekend, however, was the dancing.

I cannot dance.  I am stiff.  There is nothing more to say about it.  It breaks my heart.  I wish I weren't stiff; I wish I could let go and move with the music in a beautiful way, but I cannot.

Tom is so good about this.  He knows it's an embarrassment to me, so he doesn't usually pressure me and just dances with other people while I watch.  But at this wedding, he pulled me out onto the dance floor during a slow song, and I discovered that I can dance as long as I'm attached to him.  Only then can I begin to taste the joy of moving with the music.


Bea and I have been reading the book, Captivating, by John and Stasi Eldredge.  There is so much to say about that book.  But if you will allow me to skip over all its weighty wonder and get right to the heart of it, chapters 7 and 8 with the discussion of God as a romancer and a lover... I must say...  I've got to say...if I could even bring myself to dare to entertain the audacious idea that Jesus wants to...that Jesus really does love me that much, and does love me like that...if I could ever hope or dare to even imagine such a thing, I'll tell you what I want...

I want to dance with Him.

In a beautiful, forested glade, His right arm around my waist and His left hand holding my right; I want His face close to my face and His eyes locked with my eyes; I want to feel His breath on my cheek, feel His lips brush against mine, and hear Him whisper that I am His.  I want to hear the beautiful music and fly with Him through the clearing in graceful, breathless circles, His hand on the small of my back guiding my steps.  I want to be one with the music and one with Him at the same time, lost in the wonder of His love for me.

Why do I recoil at the thought of Him wanting to dance with me, of Him loving me, that much, and that way?  I am both ashamed at my inability to accept His love, and yet also ashamed at the thought of accepting it, because I am so unworthy.  I am so ugly.  The thought of Him with the likes of me is horrible, revolting.  It's Beauty and the Beast, except with gender reversal:  He is the Beauty and I am the Beast.

I know all the verses.  1 John 1:7, Romans 8:1, Galatians 3:26-27, Colossians 3:3-4, 1 Corinthians 6:9-11, 1 Peter 1:3.   No kidding, there is ample proof in the New Testament that I am washed clean in Jesus' blood.  If I am able to stand before Him at all, it is because in Jesus, through Jesus, because of Jesus, I am worthy; I am clean; I am not ugly.  My head knows these things; my heart is obtuse.

My problem with the New Testament (and I emphasize, this is my problem, not the N.T.'s problem!) is that its truths find their way into my soul in intellectual garb.  I read them as coldly clinical, analytical, dispassionate.

For you have died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God.  When Christ who is your life appears, then you also will appear with Him in glory.   Colossians 3:3-4  

There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.   Romans 8:1 

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ!  According to His great mercy He has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead...   1 Peter 1:3

Statements of fact.  I will not be condemned.  I have been born again to a living hope.  When Christ returns, I will appear with Him in glory.  I'm really glad for all those things, wouldn't trade them for anything.

But my woman's soul cries out for more than this.  I am desperate for His love. 

Well, hello?  He sent His Son to die for me on a cross, just so I would be saved from eternal damnation!  Isn't that enough love for me?

Yeeessss, of course.  Yet my heart cries for more.  My heart aches for passion.  My heart aches to know that my salvation is more than me just choosing the right train at the depot.  Now that I write it, I realize that I've blogged about this before.  Passionate Barnacle...something like that.  I wanted to know that I wasn't getting into heaven on a zoo family pass, as if Jesus said, "Well, if I'm going to die for the ones I like, it doesn't cost Me any more to die for the ones I don't like too."  Efficient and pragmatic.  (I feel like crying as I type that, even though I know I'm making a joke!  But it is a sick joke, isn't it?)


So where do the Eldredges get their ideas about this outrageous love and romance?   Well, I don't know about the Eldredges, but I know that I understand God's love best from the Old Testament.  Just a cursory sampling:

But now thus says the Lord, He who created you, O Jacob, He who formed you, O Israel:  "Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are Mine.  When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you... Because you are precious in My eyes, and honored, and I love you, I give men in return for you, peoples in exchange for your life.  Fear not, for I am with you.   Isaiah 43

For a brief moment I deserted you, but with great compassion I will gather you.  In overflowing anger for a moment I hid My face from you, but with everlasting love I will have compassion on you," says the Lord, you Redeemer. ... For the mountains may depart and the hills be removed, but My steadfast love shall not depart from you, and My covenant of peace shall not be removed," says the Lord, who has compassion on you.  Isaiah 54

For a people shall dwell in Zion, in Jerusalem; you shall weep no more.  He will surely be gracious to you at the sound of your cry.  As soon as He hears it, He answers you.  And though the Lord give you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, yet your Teacher will not hide Himself anymore, but your eyes shall see your Teacher.  And your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying, "This is the way, walk in it," when you turn to the right or when you turn to the left.  Isaiah 30

The Lord you God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save;  He will rejoice over you with gladness;  He will quiet you by His love;  He will exult over you with loud singing.  I will gather those of you who mourn for the festival, so that you will no longer suffer reproach.  Behold, at that time I will deal with all your oppressors.  And I will save the lame and gather the outcast, and I will change their shame into praise and renown in all the earth.  At that time I will bring you in, at the time when I gather you together; for I will make you renowned and praised among all the peoples of the earth, when I restore your fortunes before your eyes," says the Lord.    Zephaniah 3

When Israel was a child, I loved him, and out of Egypt I called My son.  The more they were called, the more they went away; the kept sacrificing to the Baals and burning offerings to idols.  Yet it was I who taught Ephraim to walk; I took them up by their arms, but they did not know that I healed them.  I led them with cords of kindness, with the bands of love, and I became to them as one who eases the yoke on their jaws, and I bent down to them and fed them.   Hosea 11

I'm sure these are not the "best" examples, or the classic verses.  I literally just opened my Bible and flipped through the Old Testament.  Verses about God's love just jumped off the page everywhere I turned!

He does love me with the passion I crave.  I have to believe He is the one who put that craving into my soul in the first place.

And I do believe that someday I will dance with Him, maybe in just that way.  It won't be at a cousin's wedding though, will it?  It will be at my own: my wedding with my King.

Good, not Great

I was greatly encouraged by something Beth Moore said in my Bible study the other week, and it has stuck with me.  To paraphrase (because I'm too lazy to go look it up), seek to do something good; don't worry about great, just something good.

As I've struggled with what qualifies as retirement from my job as a full-time, taxi-service, home school, ballet mom, I have been discovering that opportunities to do good abound, so I need not despair.  I don't need a "calling," or a job, or a ministry.  I just need to wake up every day ready to do good.  And as I sit at the kitchen table with my pen and post-it note, ready to write my to-do list for the day, I find the list grows long, every day.  So far, no day has gone by that did not have a full list.

This full list was actually a source of great irritation to me before this epiphany, because it represented a full day of distractions from that illusive greatness that surely must be waiting for me, if only I had the time to track it down.  But then when I occasionally found myself alone in an evening with no pressing commitment, panic would set in as I was forced to face the void.

Nope, no greatness knocking at my door; no ministry, no calling, no job prospects, no business opportunity.  Crickets.  I would panic, and get very grumpy with God.  He was supposed to reveal my long-awaited glory to the world now that I had time to develop it!  Where are You, God???

Well, maybe He is hiding in my to-do list of "good" (not great) chores.

I have also realized that plain old, dogged cheerfulness is way under-rated.  As I've pondered what I want my retirement years to look like, who I want to be for my children and future children-in-law and grandchildren, I believe that good, old-fashioned cheerfulness figures heavy in the equation.  But not the fake stuff; only the real deal will do, and that comes from spending time with my Savior.  Just sitting and basking in His love and His beauty.  That's what I have more time for now that my kids don't need me so much.  And that is the legacy I want to leave for them.

Lastly, and related to cheerfulness, I want to have energy and health to serve them and others, which means keeping my weight down and getting to the gym regularly.  Not to go ninja and run marathons or anything; just to have the energy to help them with whatever they need down the line, whether that would be baby-sitting, making them food, doing holidays, helping them clean or move...whatever.

So, that's all I have to say on the subject.  It's been a good crisis, and I thank you for allowing me to share it with you.  But I have to run now.  My to-do list of good is calling!