The World's Barometer

It used to be that anything I wrote in this blog had been so completely and thoroughly thought through that the words took care of themselves once I finally sat down to write.  Today my thoughts are all in a jumble.  I hope I don't sound like a high school drop-out as I try to make sense of them. 

I have been doing some thinking and praying about the whole god-of-skinny business, and I am beginning to realize how much more of a stumbling block it has been for me than I've admitted to myself before.  I know God doesn't care about my size, He cares about my heart.  And what an affront to Him that I care about my size, that I have given in to the world's barometer of value.

I read a little tidbit online this morning that when women are looking at online dating sites, they're afraid the prospective date might be a serial killer.  Men are afraid their prospective date might be fat.

Case in point: my brother-in-law, whom I love dearly, hadn't had a steady job in more than a decade.  He didn't own a car, drove borrowed cars (his ex-wife's or one of his kid's) without insurance, didn't even have a place to sleep at night that was his own -- he bounced around friend's couches.  He has a drinking problem. He gambles.  He has a lot of wonderful qualities too, but these qualities, even just one of these, would immediately knock him right out of contention for any respectable woman.

So, he was doing some handyman work for our next door neighbor, a divorced woman.  She is attractive, well-educated, a working professional, owns her own home, has successfully raised her son on her own, comes from a financially well-to-do family, all in all, the picture of hard work, intelligence and stability.

Now brother-in-law got it into his head that she might be a candidate for some romantic attention.  Ahhh, but no.  She's a little overweight.

Huh?  He actually thought she was not good enough for him!  He would not lower himself to date her because she was overweight???!!!  It relieved me greatly that the embarrassment of him asking her out on a date was thereby averted, because, of course, she would never have considered spending time with him personally.  No thinking woman would!  But what kind of screwed up world do we live in that he actually placed himself above her, just because she was fat?  (And only a little fat, at that!)

I can be aghast at his audacity, but truthfully, in large part I also have given in to the same barometer of worth.  So I fight it, fight it, fight it with diets and meal plans.  I try avoiding sugar and Diet Coke.  I try homeopathy.  I go low-fat, then I go high-fat, low carb.  Drink more water.  Weight Watchers, Nutrisystem, Ephedra.  But the root of the problem is elsewhere, so all these things are like reining wild horses.  They might be controlled for a time, but in the end, they're still wild horses and will not be tamed.

So I've been struggling with Galatians in our CBS Bible study.  I struggle because it says that I'm free in Christ, and must not again submit either to my base nature, the elemental things of the earth, or to the Law -- not the Judaic Law, not the Christian law of the Baptists, and not to the law of virtuous eating.  I am free in Christ.

But, then the line of thinking is that because He has saved me, I want to obey Him.  I want to do all that is virtuous, because He loves me and I love Him. 

I do want to obey Him, but I don't find it that easy just because it seems to make sense.  I don't feel that power that Ephesians talks about, so living to please Jesus just becomes another law.

That's the big issue.  The big point of my posting anything at all today in such a confused, hurried manner.  How does living to please Jesus not just become another law?

It seems like we jump from the frying pan into the fire in this.  We say, You're not constrained by the law, you're free!!  Wooho...  But wait there's more: Obey Jesus as if you were constrained by the law, because it pleases Him, and you do want to please Him, don't you?  Oh.  Okay, well, yes, I do.  But now I'm back where I started.  I stink at keeping the law.

I sensed a glimmer of hope this week in Matthew 11:28 though.  Come to Me, He says.  I will teach you and give you rest.  Learn from Me.  My yoke is easy and My burden is light.  That I understand.  That I can do.  Forget all the craziness, forget the diets and eating plans.  Come to Me and I'll fix it for you.  I do believe that.  He is good.

Gotta run.  Will edit later!

Diet Power

2 Corinthians 5:9  
Therefore we also have as our ambition, whether at home or absent, to be pleasing to Him.

Eeee-yup.  My ambition is to be pleasing to Him.  But everyday one thing trips me up, and I've struggled ineffectively for years to conquer it.

Did you know that there are a lot of  diet blogs out there?  One gal, bless her heart, Shauna Reid, has made quite a name for herself blogging.  At one time she weighed 375 pounds, and over the course of several years lost more than half her body weight.  She is is a witty, fun read, and now her journey as recorded in her blog has been turned into a book, The Amazing Adventures of DietGirl.  I've read it and loved it!  It is funny, heartwarming and inspiring.  And she still keeps her blog up, www.dietgirl.org.

I've tried to divorce my fat-identity from my cyber-identity, and I especially do not want this to turn into a diet blog.  I understand how it happens, but I do not want to give my weight problem that much power in my life, that much voice.  The problem is there, but it doesn't have to define who I am.

The other day I took my daughter, L, the ballerina, to a consignment shop to get a party dress to wear to the Daddy-Daughter Dance this Saturday.  ($12, woohoo!)  What an experience to watch this lithe little thing slip size 6 strapless little ditties over her head, only to have them completely fall off.  (She was wearing a leotard underneath, having just come from dance.)  This store had a plethora of size 6's for some reason.  So we had to hunt for size 4's.  Finally found a cute black size 4, which was also too big, but she will wear her black leotard under it and we'll pin the dress to the leo.  That way those shoulders and arms aren't quite so bare and, thank you, the dress stays on.

That shopping experience reawakened my longing to be able to slip into clothes easily and have them drape beautifully.  I don't want to turn this into a diet blog, and I don't want my whole life to revolve around "fat woman needs to get skinny."  I want to live first and get in shape along the way, as an aside.


Having said that, after all my years of wrestling, I think it is time to give up.  Weight Watchers worked well for me for a time.  I have the Lose It app on my phone which is also good.  I have a FitBit and have the FitBit app talking to the Lose It app.  I've belonged to four different gyms over the years.  They all work.  It is I that do not work.  I am broken.

So no great insights here, only that it's time to pray.  I am broken, I cannot fix this, and I am going to ask my heavenly Father to help me.  He has all the power, and He can help me.

Ephesians 1:19
...and what is the immeasurable greatness of His power toward us who believe...

I have known this for awhile, but I haven't been ready to ask.  Maybe I haven't been ready to forsake my sin, but I am ready now.

The real question, once I get Him involved, is what is my primary ambition?  Is having a skinny body the first love in my heart?  Or is walking in fellowship with Him my first desire, without this sin interrupting our fellowship? I think I'm getting there now.  I want to walk with Him and shed this sin.

Check Out Happy Moments!

I decided that while the Happy Moment Journal is an insanely good idea for maintaining sanity, I didn't want to clog up my Small Dog blog with the daily ramblings.  So I created a new blog which you can access to the right under "Other Blogs I Follow."  Shhh, I'm being stealthy.  I made it look like I am selflessly promoting another blogger, when really it's just more of moi!

Just in case your scroller is broken or you have a sore finger or you're feeling timid, I'll link to it here too.  (Really, I'm just excited to try that fun looking "link" button up there in this blog-processor to make this a hotspot.)

happymomentsjournal.blogspot.com

Sadness

I've been thinking lately about sadness.  Is it really as bad as it's cracked up to be?  Does it deserve its bad reputation?  And what loon would even be asking these questions?

Well, this loon is.  If anyone were ever to read this blog, they might get the impression that I am an excruciatingly, exasperatingly happy person, verging on either obnoxious or intoxicated.  I realize that.  However, the real truth is, I find myself sad.  A lot.

The other day I was walking into my Bible study discussion battling some piercing ache in my heart.  Not a physical pain, an emotional one.  And I thought to myself, I am so tired of hurting.  Lord, why am I always hurting?  Why do I always have to hurt?  And I felt like the Holy Spirit whispered in my ear: it gives you understanding.

I have, I'm ashamed to say, often been amazed at the lack of understanding among various women I've met over the years.  Some simply don't understand how Scripture and God's love for us impacts our lives and relationships.  And others have a depressing way of making the wonders of Jesus trite and banal.  Their verbiage exposes that their emotions are not engaged even as they are encompassed on all sides by God's truth.  They lack understanding in a different way.

So this touch from the Holy Spirit helped.  It was a drink of cool water, and I am thankful. 

For the record, I am not in the habit of taking thoughts that run through my head and attributing them to the Holy Spirit.  This touch was different.  It wasn't me; it was Him.

I am so thankful for His touch, for His gentle words, His comfort, because I was on the verge of asking Him if I should just go to the doctor and get an anti-depressant.  I know I could have it for the asking.  Basically, just medicate the ache away.

But I'm not depressed.  I'm really not depressed.  Hurting, even often, is not the same as being depressed.  There is plenty of joy in my life, my happy moments are truly happy, I believe everything I say about the marvelous truths of Scripture and how much God loves and cares for me.  I am not unhappy in the least. I am happy!  But things still hurt, even often.

I have typed out, more for my own benefit than anyone else's, the verses we all know from Romans, James, Hebrews and 1 Peter that talk about the blessedness of trials.  Eh.  Although I would never dispute the unerring truth of these Scriptures, they don't really hit at what I am talking about here.

Well, the Hebrews passage is definitely relevant.  You know it -- it talks about how God disciplines His children as a father does his son.  He disciplines those He loves for our good, so we can share in His holiness. While it is unpleasant at the time, it later yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness.

Psalm 34:18 comes closer:  The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

My heart has been broken, and because of that, I have been blessed to feel God's presence.  He has been near to me and has saved me.  Not any nearer to me than He is to anyone else, but hurting has made my heart sensitive to know His presence, and I have been blessed.

No antidepressants for me.  When sadness comes, I will welcome it as a friend and take my delight in the Lord.


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 Hebrews 12:5-11
And have you forgotten the exhortation that addresses you as sons?  "My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord, nor be weary when reproved by Him.  For the Lord disciplines the one He loves, and chastises every son whom He receives." It is for discipline that yo have to endure.  God is treating you as sons.  For what son is there whom his father does not discipline?  If you are left without discipline, in which all have participated, then you are illegitimate children and not sons.  Besides this, we have had earthly fathers who disciplined us and we respected them.  Shall we not much more be subject to the Father of spirits and live?  For they disciplined us for a short time as it seemed best to them, but He disciplines us for our good, that we may share His holiness.  For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.

Romans 5:3-5
More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.

James 1:2-4
Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness.  And let steadfastness have its full effect. that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.

1 Peter 1:6-9
In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith -- more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire -- may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ.  Though you have not seen Him, you love Him.  Though you do not now see Him, you believe in Him and rejoice with joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory, obtaining the outcome of your faith, the salvation of your souls.
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Another Happy

There were some definite ups and downs today, but because I set myself the task of noting a happy moments, the day has a more positive glow about it than it would otherwise.

All in all, I'd have to say my favorite "happy" of this day was a brief few minutes I had with R this afternoon.  There was nothing unusual about it.  Four days a week I leave to take L to dance just before R gets home from school.  So I usually call him on my way back home just to touch base.  We have a script we follow, and every day it sounds exactly like this:

"Hey bud, how you doin'?"
"Fine."
"How was school?"
"Good."
"What happened today?"
"Nothin'."

The beauty of mother-son bonding.  Sometimes I have errands to run, but usually I head back home for more bonding of the same variety.  About once a week the script is lengthened by a few seconds:

"Did you get something to eat?"
"No.  What can I eat?"
"Well, you can make a turkey sandwich or nachos. There are pizza rolls and corn dogs in the freezer."
"Will you bring me McDonald's?"

For the record, he has never made himself a turkey sandwich after school.  But being a mom I persist in suggesting it;  it is such a reasonable choice.  By McDonald's he means a McDouble and a strawberry shake.

So today was a McDouble day.  I walked in with his sandwich and shake, and we had about 15 minutes of completely meaningless banter.  I think I pointed out the amazing difference in price per ounce if one buys a larger bottle of perfume versus a small bottle.  He was duly impressed and countered with advice on the best knife to use when sizing down a shake cup so the dog can get his muzzle all the way to the bottom of the cup.  We discussed the best gym membership option for me and T, especially given that neither of us has made it to the gym yet this year.  And we ended our time together playing a silly game of "What'd you say?", asking each other to repeat him/herself for no good reason at all except to win a smile for silliness. Completely inane but gently amusing, and  somehow it worked with the rhythm of the moment, causing my heart to swell with happy.

There were other happy moments today.  I found a beautiful party dress for L to wear to the Daddy-Daughter dance this Saturday for $12 at a consignment shop.  She is only 80% pleased with it, but for $12, who could beat it?  That was a happy!  I went to the dentist, had a cleaning and a repair job done and nothing hurt.  That was a happy!  I had a fun conversation with my sister on the car ride home from the dentist.  And the sun was out and the sky was blue.  Happy, happy!  I created a yummy jambalaya-type concoction for dinner because I had nothing else prepared, and everyone liked it.  Happy.   

But those few moments with my R stand out as the best of the day.  He is a quiet kid, a still-waters-run-deep kind of kid.  When T is home, the TV is on, L is chattering away, the pressures of dinner, homework, and various chores consume our attention, he can easily fade into the background.  Even when I'm alone with him, he's not quick to volunteer his thoughts.

So I cherish those moments of connection, of eye contact, smiles and light hearts, of affable interaction. Today, he was my happy.

Happy Moment Project

So, in spite of my quasi-bashing of the Happiness Project book a post of two ago, I'm becoming a disciple.  My sister has an idea she's implementing from her journey through the Happiness Project that I think is just a stroke of genius! Every night before she hops into bed she is taking the time to think through what the happiest moment of the day was, and writing it down.  Just a line or two.  But what a fantastic discipline!  First of all, it forces us to remember that, no matter how heavy our burdens seemed that day, there was a happy moment.  It forces us to dwell on it, even if just for a minute or two, and be thankful.  Additionally, it will allow us to see a pattern in what makes us happy, and that pattern, I'm guessing, may surprise us in the end!

So what was my happy moment for today?  It had to be the 30 minutes in the hot tub with the family (T and the younger two kids, R and L).  It was cold enough that the boards of the deck creaked as we walked on them, the sky was clear and full of stars, and we were all relaxed, talking about nothing, just being together.  Oliver was alternately playing in the snow or under the deck, and then coming up to nuzzle someone's neck or lick an arm.  We discussed which hot tub light color we liked best and why, deciding ultimately that red and blue were the favorites.  R ran out into the snow for a bit just for the thrill of coming back into the warm tub.  We discussed that although the challenge of making a snow angel in a wet bathing suit might sound fun, it would not be advisable with all the poop accumulating in the yard right now!  And we saw who could lift their straight legs furthest out of the water while seated.  That was probably the most important issue at hand.  It was a happy moment!

Strange Week

It's a odd occurrence indeed when the quintessential homebody, yours truly, is bored on a relaxed evening at home, but such is the case tonight.  Nothing on TV, can't eat anymore, and it's not time for bed yet, meaning the family's all still up so I don't feel right secreting myself away to read a good book.  And actually, I have nothing to say, so I shouldn't be blogging, but like I said, I'm bored.

So I will entertain you with the strange emotional upheavals in our home over the past week.  It all began last Monday when we went out to dinner, just the four of us, T, R (son), L (daughter) and me.  L, an 8th-grader, announces that her friend, Mary, asked a guy she liked, Teddy, out on a date to a movie this weekend.  Her mom said she could as long as another friend went with them.

That was as far as she got, and T said, "NO."  Whew!  Go T!  Up with dads!

Much to my surprise, however, L's face immediately clouded over and her eyes welled up with tears.  Now I, being the parent who can usually "track" with the kids emotionally, was lost.  Bewildered.  Confused, perplexed and stupefied.  Rattled, snowed, stumped and befuddled.  (Nah, I'm just having fun with dictionary.com.  =)  )  Why would this be so important to her?  She sees her small group of friends almost everyday.  What could possibly be the big deal about not being allowed to go to this movie?  I knew she was showing a rather new interest in guys, but I couldn't believe she actually liked this guy.  Besides, it wasn't her date -- she was just to be the chaperone. I hoped that maybe it was nothing more than being tired or hormonal and the whole issue would evaporate with a good night's sleep.

No such luck.  The issue was not only alive and kicking the next day,  it was morphing before our eyes, changing shape hoping to take on a more acceptable form.  I had told L that I had nothing against guys coming to be a part of her social landscape, but I preferred it all happen in a more natural way, slowly ingratiating themselves with her "homies" until they were all just a big gang of friends, guys and girls together.  I told her this just seemed forced.  Mary wanted a date, so she was trying to pull her friends onto the scene, rather than going out with friends and inviting a friendly guy along to get to know everyone too.

After a bit of haggling I agreed that if there were more girls than guys in the party, she could go.  So her friend went to work, calling all the girls they knew, trying to massage the numbers in their favor (because now there were two guys involved -- Teddy wanted to bring his friend, Tony).  As it turned out, T and I were so distracted by the social dynamics of the situation, we hadn't worried a bit about what movie they had chosen.  The other moms, having no idea of the origin of the gathering, were all saying 'no' because they were proposing to see the PG-13 movie, Chronicle.  Thankfully, those moms looked up the review and saw that the movie included multiple references to teen sex, including a scene where a teen boy leads a teen girl up to his room, and then there's a shot of his pants down around his ankles.  Another teenage boy complains he hasn't had sex since the previous summer.  Wonderful.  And this is PG-13.

But the strange thing was L's emotional attachment to this outing.  She cried every time I brought it up, and there seemed to be no talking reason with her.  I just couldn't figure out what was going on.  I mean, I get it.  She's a full-blown teenager now, and I've felt the full force of the crabbiness for more than a year now.  But this was different.  Never before had we come to loggerheads over value judgments.  She has always agreed with our ideas of right versus wrong, wise versus foolish, smart versus stupid, careful versus reckless, judicious versus foolhardy, sagacious versus naive, perspicacious versus ignorant...  =)   (just bein' silly)

Finally this morning, at the eleventh hour, she revealed her perspective, and all the missing pieces fell into place.  After more tears even before 9:00 a.m., we were on our way to her once-a-week homeschool classes, Palaestra, where she would have to either finalize plans or bail completely on Mary, and she reached over to turn off the radio.  (I had turned it on just to diffuse the obvious tension between us.)  She said she had been praying that God would provide a way for her to get to know more homeschooled kids from Palaestra, and she really believed that this was God's answer to her prayer.  She had no interest in either of these guys, and she didn't approve of her friend trying to work the back door to have a date, but she was really just wanting her social world to be able to expand a bit.  And having prayed, she had been so happy to have this opportunity.  That was all.

Ahhh.  Now this made sense.  For several weeks she had been talking about wishing she knew more people at Palaestra, feeling a little confined with her small group of four or five girls.  Maybe a little caged, constrained and hemmed in.  Hog-tied, repressed, restricted, held back and trapped.  Cramped, enclosed, hindered, stifled.  (More dictionary.com  =P  )  What a wonderful balm to my soul that she had brought her trouble to the Lord!  All the pieces came together happily.

We are so blessed with this daughter, our most social little peanut, that her friends' parents have such great relationships with their daughters and are so intimately involved in their daughters' lives.  I dropped her off at Palaestra, did a couple errands and returned an hour or so later.  When I walked into the mom waiting area, Mary's mom, Lisa, and another friend who had not been willing to let her daughter see Chronicle, were sitting together reading the movie's review online.  And, don't tell L, but I filled them in on all the upheaval this "date" had caused in our family.  Lisa had no idea all these social contortions had been going on, and was very glad to read to full scoop about the movie.

We talked openly about our ideas about how to handle the whole "dating" scene with our kids, various challenges, wanting to guide the kids in wisdom yet without being so restrictive that we actually incite rebellion.  Lisa searched out the girls and talked to them about changing the movie selection, and to her daughter about the wisdom of all these awkward machinations just to get a "date" with Teddy.  (Do you think Teddy has any idea what's going on here?)

T and I always told our kids that the purpose of dating is marriage.  If they're not ready to get married, or if marriage is not at least somewhere in the foreseeable future, then they're not ready to date.  Our older two children definitely saw the sense in that line of thinking.  So far, I believe the younger two do also.  Thank you, Lord!

So the social engagement is on.  A better movie selection has drawn a few more girls, and I'm sure the whole thing will be fine.  Mary is still sweet on Teddy and will enjoy a little time with him, but I'm sure, whatever chemistry exists between them, prudence will prevail.  L has a great group of friends and her friends have great parents.  I am so thankful to go through these tumultuous years with them.

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Date turned out to be quite anticlimactic.  The boys arrived at the theater, bought their tickets and sat down a good 10-15 minutes before the girls, who arrived just in time to buy a ticket and find a seat.  After the movie, the boys mumbled something about having to use the bathroom, and were off.  That was that.  So much vexation for so little return.  Ouy!